Coke on campus: Traces found in ASS library, Wills and other uni buildings

Our collective thirst for narcotics has been discussed a lot lately. The Tab’s most recent drugs survey crowned us the eighth druggiest uni overall, and we smoke more weed and inhale more NOS than any other higher educational establishment in the UK. To top it off, we raked in £3000 in drug fines last year.

Not content with this, we decided a thorough examination of Bristol’s hotspots was required – with the best cocaine swabs on the market.

Ex-cop Dave Rigg who runs Crackdown Drug Testing gave us the swabs we used.

He said: “Our swabs are designed to work at milligram levels of cocaine, so a substantial amount must have been present on the surface initially to cause a reaction.”

A simple wipe with these swabs, which are soaked in reactive chemicals, reveals the presence of the Class A drug, turning them from light pink to blue.

These tests are 95 percent accurate in detecting street-level cocaine.

ASS Library

First stop was the ASS library. The idea someone might be doing cocaine in a library filled us with both apprehension and childlike amusement.

Sure enough, with one quick wipe it was confirmed. In searching for a culprit, our eyes immediately set upon a shy-looking girl in the corner tucking into a reading of Hamlet, her pupils consuming her eyes. Though upon further inspection she appeared to be nothing more than rather short-sighted.

Hawthorns

Next to The Hawthorns. Home to fascinating conversations, Costa-beating coffees and over-confident gak snorters?

Alas no, it seems the Hawthorns is the real place for serious study.

16 Bus

Those bus drivers always seem a little lively don’t they?

You know who we mean: the one who likes to thank “sweetheart” for waiting for the other passengers to finish disembarking before they get on or the one who disregards corners and thinks he’s Lewis Hamilton.

Surely that’s not enthusiasm-au-naturel? Were they sneaking off for a little line on their lunch breaks?

The answer (thankfully) is no.

Source Café

We gave the table outside Source café a little swipe on our way past and the result shocked us.

Why, when and who used that table for coke?

It’s a result that says a lot about Stoke Bishop.

Wills Hall

It’s safe to say innocence is in short supply when it comes to Wills Hall. It’s bar toilets tested positive – an outcome even less surprising than Usain Bolt prancing to 100m gold at the 2012 Olympics.

One Wills fresher literally cried when we told them the news. We’re still not sure if this was because they were happy or sad.

Hiatt Baker

Hiatt Baker somehow slipped through the net with not even a hint of cocaine appearing.

UH

With that hypothesis in mind UH was bound to be a sure-fire negative right?

Wrong.

Churchill

After the positive result in Wills, I don’t think there was ever any doubt Churchill, home to the largest private school population of all halls, would test positive for cocaine.

But they didn’t.

Badock

We of course left the big one ’til last. Could it be possible Badock would have no traces of Scarface’s favourite food group?

Shockingly no traces were found.

Either Hiatt Baker and Badock have a much more thorough cleaning team or cocaine just isn’t as popular there. After all, there’s no way Wills manages to out-drug the rest of Stoke Bishop, though Durdham remains untested. Think we can probably predict the results of that one though.

Positive for cocaine

ASS Library, Source Cafe, Wills Hall, UH

Negative for cocaine

Hawthorns, 16 Bus, Hiatt Baker, Churchill, Badock