Be prepared: This summer will be a massive letdown

It’s May and the end of exams are nigh. After some (hopefully) forgetful boozy nights out, regretful hookups with the person you never talked to in your Approaches to Shakespeare tutorials and some goodbyes to the flatmate you’re happy to see the back of because he kept stealing your Bran Flakes, the prospect of summer couldn’t look any sweeter.

Which makes it a massive shame that the dream summer you’ve been expecting just isn’t going to happen.

The holiday

#blessed #smug

At least they love you unconditionally

What you hope will happen: Your holiday snaps will scream exotic chic. With the glistening turquoise of the Cote D’Azur behind you, you’ll either be living it up on your friends boat smiling gleefully from all the debauchery you and your new uni friends got up to in St. Tropez, or lounging around on the beach in Cannes.

What will really happen: Instead, you’ll be on an Easyjet flight to Greece with your parents and the sibling who you’ve not talked to for four months apart from the occasional Facebook message to check if mum can bring some extra sheets next time she’s up. You’ll be sightseeing by day and stalking your friends on instagram at the dinner table by night. Those deck shoes you bought for St. Tropez were a complete waste.

The job

Big City lights

It’s a hard knock life pulling pints

What you hope will happen: You finally go to London for that internship you applied for. Pics of you waking down Regent Street on the way to work will be captioned with “London Lyf”, your tweets will slowly start to become daily complaints about delays on the Bakerloo Line, and you’ll start thinking no other night out will ever be as good as your weekly trips to Fabric with the graduate friends you made in the office.

What will really happen: After endless grovelling emails to every single company you can think of, you call the pub you worked for the summer before you started uni in the hope they’ll have a job available. Say goodbye to the prospect of chrome furniture and a spinny chair, but say hello to pulling pints and stains you just can’t seem to get rid of on the bar.

The friends from home

Definitely never used as a cover photo or sentimental screensaver

You think about telling her Sybil dies just to make her come out

What you hope will happen: You and you friends from home will be having the time of your lives. It’s just like sixth form again: piss ups in the park and house parties to rival your friends legendary 16th birthday party.

What will really happen: Everyone is too tired for a big night out. You’ll want to head out to town, only to find everyone is having pub dinners with the ‘rents and going to bed when the news comes on.

The festival

Wavey and Ravey all your memories from Bestival will be hazey

You’d much prefer to shiver in awkward silence than watch Tyler the Creator

What you hope will happen: Glitter, funnels and flower-crowns galore, your Instagram will be looking extra-wavey from your excursions to the trendiest festivals around. When you’re home, you notice with pride your pics have featured in a Tab run-down of the fittest people at Secret Garden Party.

What will really happen: You tried to save up, you tried to get the tickets on time and you tried to get a big gang of people together. But instead you’re knee-deep in your overdraft, tickets sold out too quickly so you’ve had to compromise and go to V, and the only person willing to come with you is the flatmate you despise and can’t imagine sharing a tent with (because the flat is small enough). When you get there it’s pissing it down, as cold as December and you get trench foot from the new Hunter wellies you forced your mum to buy.

The summer bod

The gym gear you made your Mum buy you will finally come to good use

Who says you can’t have Prosecco in bed at 10:30 am?

What you hope will happen: You plan on using the summer to re-invent yourself. You promise to force yourself to get to the gym every single day. You’ll work on the beach-bod, you’ll eat quinoa (whatever that is), and attempt not to gag every time you drink a green smoothie.

What will really happen: You’ll be binging on House of Cards in bed and eating cereal from the box, trying to convince yourself that going downstairs to make pasta is helping to tone your calf muscles.