Multiple university league tables say Bristol ain’t what it used to be

Last week, in a flurry of pointless and paternalistic fanfare, three separate entities spunked out their yearly university league tables.  

Whatuni, QS, and the Complete University Guide all came together in the lucrative circle jerk of putting universities into a table and telling us which ones are better than the others.

We start with Whatuni, who boast their entire table is based on students’ views – Bristol manages to pull in 352 separate ratings, covering categories like accommodation, city life and student unions.

I think Laura’s being sarcastic.

Sadly, it’s all downhill from here. Out of the 113 unis taking part, Loughbourough emerges victorious, with Bristol coming in a measly 32nd place.

Hardly a position fitting of such a prestigious institution, you think to yourself. Think again.

Bristol student “Zhang”, veteran of a Masters in Finance and Investment, eloquently gets to the root of the malaise in our once-great uni. “Overall a good 3/5,” he says in a concise one-line review. Good, Zhang, but not good enough.

Next, onto the QS World University Rankings, who had the daring idea of basing their table entirely on the views of people who haven’t been to the universities they’re rating. Mould breaking!

Ironically, Bristol does better in QS’s ranking globally than it does in Whatuni’s nationally, storming into a heady 29th place. I shall not question this logic, I shall just accept it.

Hong Kong cheated anyway

Those irrational nightmares you had about your uni being overtaken by a Japanese one can finally subside. Close, but no cigar, Tokyo.

Rounding up the round-up is your old favourite, The Complete University Guide, helping students to choose their fifth choice for UCAS since 2007. They’ve ranked Bristol the 15th best uni in the UK, up a whole three places from last year.

Rumour has it you can still hear the cries of despair from the top…

Despite coming in the top 10 for entry standards and research quality, two of the four categories assessed, we only just nudge ahead of the notoriously unhappy students of Manchester Met (and who can blame them) into 94th place for student satisfaction. Sad times indeed.

What can we conclude? Have all these strange and confusing numbers made you unsure of you and your university’s place in the world? Does anything really matter at all? Maybe, maybe not, but university league tables certainly don’t. They’re contradictory, often self-serving, and based on a load of figures which don’t really affect anything to do with actual students.

Hopefully we do a bit better next year though…