What does your house plant say about you?
They’re a great way to distract people from the mould on your wall
Getting a house plant for your room is a big deal. It’s a sign that you’re capable of looking after something other than yourself – even if it’s fake.
The plant you pick to brighten your room and make it a little bit less shit reveals a lot about your personality that you probably never realised. The following observations are the result of years of observation and research.
The go-to student plant as it needs little to no attention. This was probably a gift from your mother to “liven up” your room and make it more homely. How the hell does a dry green little turd with sharp spikes make a room homely though?
Despite this plant needing no human interaction to survive you play with it constantly, as if you need to keep checking how spiky it is. It’s therefore the perfect companion for your room and you’re proud of its presence.
Like your cactus you have a tough exterior and appear to need little love, but like your cactus, you too deep down enjoy human affection.
Either you got this as a gift or you’e shit at budgeting and think a mini tree is worth at least £20. You’re a colourful person and your wardrobe consists of harem pants and body jewelry. You’re also really into meditation and can be found at the gym for the 4.30pm Yoga class every week.
Your kitchen cupboard is stocked full of exotic teas that sit right next to your pestle and mortar, incense and scented candles.
Your favourite place to shop is Holland and Barrett, where you pick up all your herbal remedies. Despite the fact you either have dreadlocks or are seriously considering them, you’re actually remarkably clean, though you shun body wash and opt for traditional soap with bits of real flower in it instead.
The Latin name for daffodils – narcissus – isn’t nearly the same as narcissist by accident. Like all good narcissists, you’re good at taking the lead, but can’t follow orders to save your life and competitiveness comes more naturally to you than baldness to Bruce Willis.
You’re intolerably loud and, just like your daffs, you force your happiness on to others to the extent they want to cut you with a pair of scissors and put you into water too.
Any general shrub
You asked your parents to buy you a house plant hoping for something that will flower but they fell massively short. Not only does the shrub they got you grow bloody fast but there’s little point to it. They block out the light with their dull leaves and never flower or do anything worth noting.
If you have one it must mean you’re unbelievably dull and a general “fun sponge”.
Small flowering plant
Example plants include primrose or marigold. Owning one of these is pretty dull. Yes, they smell nice but they’re incredibly weedy when compared to “proper” plants.
The opposite end of the spectrum to the shrub, these flowers definitely belong to a person suffering from OCD. As a result, you won’t own just one of these plants, but two identical ones positioned either side of the windowsill, meticulously measured to be the right distance apart.
If you have more than 3 house plants this means you have a shit view. Let’s face it your window faces a wall, a car-park, or some dustbins. Blocking out such vile sights is necessary for your mental well-being so keep it up.
A fake plant
Like you this “plant” makes no fuss or mess. Owning it is a clear indication you study Chemistry or Law and you may even be an international student from a modern city such as Singapore or Hong Kong.
Your room would pass a military inspection as you cannot stand mess and grew up a long way from farms and fields. You’re efficient and have the week’s schedule on a whiteboard above your desk along with post-it notes on your bedside table covered in reminders and ideas for when you wake up in the morning.
You dress your best regardless of the situation, because like your “plant” you will never be caught having a bad hair day. Some might say you’re a tad materialistic…
You’ll tell people “it was only seasonal” but really you’re only lying to yourself. You won’t clear it off the windowsill for weeks after its death, partly because you’re lazy but mostly because you’re hoping for a sudden resurrection (Jesus style).
The passing of your dear plant was probably a good thing for you anyway because you need as much time as possible to look after yourself.
When you do eventually move on, consider getting a fake plant or cactus as an easy next step towards maturity. If you miraculously manage to kill a cactus, please DO NOT get a pet or have children anytime soon. They would die of neglect even faster than your cactus.
This neglect reflects deeper commitment issues: you are the opposite of a Japanese Peace Lily owner.