If politicians went clubbing, where would they go?

David Cameron – Bunker Monday

Just like the PM’s cabinet, Bunker is the place to catch up with old school chums named Rupert and Beatrice. That’s not the only similarity: a bit like Cameron’s entire five years in office, Bunker is a massively bigged-up night that’s always somehow a complete flop.

Some things never change and, no matter how bad it gets, freshers will flock to BED year after year. Disappointingly, it seems Cameron might be here to stay as well.

Ed Miliband – Syndicate

Like Miliband, Syndicate has a few, long-suffering supporters who for some reason keep on convincing people “it isn’t that bad”. Unfortunately for this delusional bunch, expecting people to start liking Syndicate is about as likely as Red Ed becoming Prime Minister in May.

Admitting you’re a fan of Syndicate around uni is pretty much social suicide and the same goes for Miliband. In fact it’s hard to tell what’s worse: the horrendously sticky dance-floor and dingy smoking area or the idea of having photogenic Ed in charge.

Przym – Nicola Sturgeon

New to the scene, Przym was an awful addition to Bristol nightlife and so was Nicola Sturgeon to the growing mob of dislikeable politicians. Pryzm’s re-brand from Oceana is exactly like how the SNP switched from Salmond to Sturgeon: get something bad and replace it with something even worse.

Ironically, Sturgeon goes “better together” with Przym than Scotland ever did with the UK.

Mbargo – Nick Clegg

Who? Oh yeah that guy who no one likes. The Liberal Democrat leader hasn’t exactly had the best time of it recently and Mbargo is in dire straits as well. Constantly David Cameron’s errand boy, Clegg and Mbargo are forever in Bunker’s shadow.

You’ve got to be pretty drunk to end up in Mbargo and that’s probably the only way any students are voting Lib Dem too. Unlikely to be around for much longer, both are unimaginative, uninspiring, underwhelming.

Pam Pam – Nigel Farage

Both Pam Pam and Nige are a small-fry pretending they’re a lot bigger and more important than they really are. Only people with extremely low standards can stand spending time in Pam Pam, which is essentially a worse version of Cameron’s Monday Bunker. Let’s pray to God this man never gets near Westminster.

Only problem for Nigel is that he might not enjoy Prohibition Thursdays – he should request a name change in his manifesto. He’d probably want to put a smoking area in too.

Thekla – Natalie Bennett

Thekla is so standard and so is Natalie Bennett. Not particularly impressive, not particularly unimpressive, you get the feeling people will vote for her because they’re tired of all the others, in much the same way people only go to Thekla because they fancy something different.

You’ve exhausted the Triangle and Donervans so you decide to try being a hipster and head to Thekla, but on reflection you realise that just because it’s on a boat doesn’t make it any better than anywhere else.

Bennett might be Australian and want to build some new windmills but she’s just as bad as the rest of them.