These are the insufferable music fans you’ll meet on a night out

While many only go to Motion, Lounge or Basement 45 because of a combination of alcohol and desire to “fit in”, there are loyal fans of varios music genres who actually make a conscious effort to go to these clubs.

These are those people.

House fans

‘Heard this track when I was coming up at Apex the other week’

These fans are instantly recognisable by their vibe-siness.

Look out for top-knots, five panels and bucket hats. Given their vintage windbreakers and Nike Airmax you’d be forgiven for thinking you’d walked onto the set of a 90s sitcom.

They get by on a diet of ket and MDMA and are mostly nocturnal creatures except for when they get up one afternoon a week to go to an Art History tutorial. They will then spend the entire hour letting everyone know how crippling their come-down was from Blue Mountain.

Reggae fans

Don’t be fooled into thinking they actually like reggae. Sure, everyone’s prone to listening to Buffalo Soldier once in a while but it’s the marijuana that’s really at play here.

If you’ve never met a reggae fan, it’s probably because they never leave their sofa and the “dank spliff” they’ve just rolled. If you’re lucky you might spot them at “Teachings in Dub” at the Trinity Centre.

The diet of a reggae fan mostly consists of other people’s food they’ve found in the fridge. When accused of the theft, they’ll tell you they were too “blazed” to realise it wasn’t their own food.

Hip-hop fans

Ain’t nuthin but a g thang

Hip-hop first began in New York in the 70’s but hip-hop among students began in the Home Counties when some teenagers decided being a middle class white student just didn’t cut it anymore.

Hip-hop enthusiasts can be found at Brooklyn Zoo at Thekla where they don their snapbacks and oversized shirts and go to brag about the rare Dre b-side they recently got their hands on.

Cheese fans

‘This is some sweet tasting entitlement’

Head to the Triangle to bump into these guys, recognisable by their brightly-coloured chinos and ties round their head.

Don’t be fooled into thinking these people actually enjoy the music of Bunker or Lounge but it does at least serve a purpose. For them, a night isn’t a success unless there’s been a topless group chant of the Baywatch theme in a totally non-gay way and they’ve eyed up girls while singing Stacey’s Mom before blurring the boundaries of consent.

These fans require toffee vodka and Jäger Bombs to get them through the next Taylor Swift or Rihanna song, but it’s all worth it for the hil-ah-rious stories to share with the boys at the next sports social.

Jazz, Funk & Soul fans

One of the more loyal groups of music fans, these guys just can’t get enough of lift music.

“JFS” fans come in a range of equally nondescript shapes and sizes and are usually nice enough people except when they won’t give you a break about how amazing the Big Chill is on a Tuesday.

If you do end up at the Big Chill, look forward to a night of awkwardly standing still listening to musac while the musicians wait for their turn to show off what they learned from their secondary school trumpet teacher.

DnB fans

Drum and Bass fans are instantly recognizable because they look like they’re constantly shaking due to the dangerous mix of speed and energy drinks they’re on.

No one can blame them really, you’d have to be either completely off your face or super-human to survive the fast repetitive beats of drum and bass for more than about 5 minutes. The only thing that keeps this lot going is knowing they’re not as fucked up as people who like oldschool Jungle.

Indie fans

100% organic douchebag

Indie fans come in two forms. The first like nothing more than pumping their fist in the air at Propaganda to Chelsea Dagger because deep down they wish it was still 2006 and it was cool to like the Killers.

The second, far more insidious form of indie fan is the hipster. Hipsters are recognisable by their checked flannel shirts, beanies and ridiculous beards and are rarely seen without a craft beer in their hand. Basically, they’re the fall-back option for people who want to be cool but can’t get into house music.

Hipsters don’t have a communal place to congregate because if a club night was put on to appeal to them it would be too mainstream for any of them to go. Instead, they prefer to cycle around Stokes Croft on their fixie and meet up in organic vegan bars that play the latest in punk-metal-acid-swing-rock.