I spent Valentine’s watching 50 Shades of Grey with my parents

My V-Day was more awkward than yours

national noad

“You never spend time with us anymore!” “We never do anything as a family!” “When was the last time we spent quality time together?”

If you need a way to avoid spending time with your parents, go to the cinema and watch 50 Shades with them. Once it’s done, you won’t be spending time together again for a while. Even eye contact will become painfully awkward.

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

Personally I was excited to see the film. The books had spread around our tiny all-girls boarding school like wildfire, probably because our level of sex education was the scene in Mean Girls where the gym teacher tells everyone not to have sex or they’ll get pregnant and die.

But why tag along with mum and dad to watch it? Well, technically I’m just following their advice: “University is the time to get outside my comfort zone” they said.

BDSM? Not my comfort zone.

"Does the Submissive consent to anal fisting?"

‘I don’t make love. I fuck…hard’

Given that my mum still refers to sex as “hanky panky” and my dad maintains I’m not allowed to start dating till I’m 65, watching one of the most erotic films of the year with them was never going to be easy.

The minute we sit down I immediately start to regret my decision. Although it was full, there were only two other men besides my dad. One was the guy showing people to their seats, the other a strange-looking elderly gentleman sitting alone at the back.

When I tried to take a photo of the opening credits for this article, the flash on my phone accidentally went off. As if enough attention wasn’t on the only parent/daughter trio in the room already.

"I don't make love. I fuck...hard"

‘Does the Submissive consent to anal fisting?’

After the film ended (and a few large glasses of wine had been consumed) I decided to quiz my parents to find out what they’d made of the experience.

Were any parts of the film familiar to you?

Mum: Do you remember the room above the garage we used for “extra-storage” in our old house?

Me: WHAT?!

Mum: The colour scheme matched Christian’s apartment.

Dad: In all seriousness.. not really. Although we used to have a playroom. We never had toys like that in ours though.

Mum: (under her breath) You wouldn’t have known what to do with them…

How did this film change your view on BDSM?

Dad: Which one was he?

Did you enjoy the film overall?

Mum: It was very much like Harry Potter. The books were better than the film.

Final conclusions?

Dad: At the end of the day I guess it’s all about the importance of sticking to contracts.

Mum: I liked it! I hope you bring home a man like that one day.

Me: An obsessive sadist? No thanks!

Mum: Darling, you’re spending Valentine’s Day watching 50 Shades of Grey with your parents. Beggars can’t be choosers.