If you’re going to drunk text, learn from my mistakes
Your phone is NOT your friend
You know the feeling. You enjoyed a messy night in a terrible club – think strawpedos and incredibly low standards.
You wake up, feeling like death, to discover that you took it upon yourself to, umm, share your feelings with most of the contacts of your phone.
Instead of hurtling your phone off the nearest cliff, take advantage of these seven steps I’ve learned from my own drunken mistakes, and ensure the next time your clumsy hands are tapping at that iPhone you send messages you can be proud of.
(All texts that follow are my own. Unfortunately.)
1. Always keep it cool when eyeing up your prey
So, you’ve spotted someone who has caught your eye? Even if you’re frothing Jaegerbombs at the sight of them, try to downplay your lusty thoughts.
Texting your friends about your dream conquest will only lead to mocking, and phrases such as “If I had a collar it would be heated” may seem like Shakespearean verse, but trust me, the only thing you’ll be holding in the morning will be your aching head.
2. When in doubt, accidentally spread Christmas cheer
Even if it’s not Christmas, a 4am bombardment of festive emojis can never go wrong. Bet your ex wouldn’t be expecting this one.
3. Accept your weaknesses
Drinking games are difficult. They have one purpose: to wreak havoc. If you’ve not made it past pre-drinks without already feeling worse for wear, warning your friends is always a good option.
A simple “I am drinking game I am not good at it” can easily be translated as “I’m completely fucked already, please come and wipe the tears and vomit off my face in a couple of hours”.
Or, you could just sit out the drinking games. But why skip the perfect opportunity to drunk text?
4. Adamantly deny your drunkenness
It’s only 5pm. You’ve been drinking with your home friends by the seaside, you’ve already vomited into the ocean off the pier, and been chucked into a taxi. You arrive home, and you’re bored.
What better to do than to text your uni friends? Always cling onto the hope that they respect you enough to know you’d never be in as much of a state as this.
Deny your intoxication, even if you’re sending texts that read as if a mouse on ecstasy has been having a fit on your keyboard. Although they probably know you enough by now to call your bluff.
5. Apologise after accusations of misandry
We’ve all been there, the alcohol induced blues. Self pity becomes the order of the night, and you decide to accuse your friends of hating you. However, be aware that no matter how much you think your friends hate you, there’s one thing that will always despise you even more.
If you ever find yourself accusing your friends of hating a set of people, apologise profusely. Even if you’ve not even realised your error yet, they’ll get the message. Alternatively, put your phone down and cheer up. It’ll all get better, my drunk friend.
6. Remember: Song lyrics are not your friend
Singing: one of the great talents of every drunk. Sometimes, singing out loud is not enough, and you must text that one tune to your nearest and dearest.
Be wary. Memory is a sworn enemy of the lowly drunk, and will become an ally of autocorrect to ruin your lyrical attempts.
“Free as the grass fries” probably doesn’t convey the beauty of the moment you’ve found yourself in. Next time, stick to shrieking these lyrics on your way back from Donervan.
7. Stick to watering plants when spelling fails you
I can’t help but express my disdain for autocorrect, but I accept it can sometimes add clarity to an otherwise jumbled message. If even autocorrect has deserted you though, it’s time you desert that phone.
All you’re doing is creating confusion, and you won’t live it down the next day. Be sick in that flowerbed, disrespect the pesky dentist, and call it a night. There’s an off button for a reason.