Battle of the halls: which one is the worst?

Our uni attracts a real Quality Street-esque variety of people.

From the downtrodden Oxbridge rejects to the notorious “wavey vibe” kids who are drawn to Bristol like dog shit to a scuffed moccasin, this home of ours is a real melting pot.

Unfortunately, that range in quality and appearance also applies to our halls of residence. Which begs the question: which one is the worst?

Badock

This whirlwind of Thai pants and ankle-bracelets more closely resembles a drug induced re-imagination of Disney’s Aladdin than a student residence.

With a turntable to person ratio higher than anywhere on the planet, this hall is so underground that it’s practically in Australia.

Churchill

Typically (accurately) characterised as Wills’ ambitious little sister, the fact the cars around this hall have a history of being tipped down Stoke Park Road actually makes me smile a bit.

Also, there are so many Mini Coopers in this halls parking lot that if Mark Wahlberg and Jason Statham turned up, you would literally have everything you need to re-make the re-make of the Italian Job.

Clifton Hill House

Notorious for its lack of notoriety, even seeing pictures of this hall can’t convince me it actually exists anymore.

From what little information there is out there about this hall, we can only assume the residents are all good old God-fearing piano shaggers.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Durdham

Most famous for its ability to be left off every list, walking through the courtyard of Stoke Bishop’s best-kept and most-forgotten secret is downright creepy at best.

For sheer anonymity this one could be a winner.

Goldney

Frustratingly, all I’ve heard about this one is it’s largely inhabited by nice guys generally having a great time.

If that doesn’t make you angry I don’t know what will.

The saying “the grass is always greener on the other side” actually applies to Goldney.

Here, smug-looking twats snort powdered rhino horn off the thigh bone of an endangered species of eagle. I would imagine. The bastards.

Hiatt Baker

Better known as “the hall that’s going to be sick next year”. Which has been the case for roughly seven ice ages.

While being woken up by pneumatic drills and living in fear of impromptu indoor lakes is about as appealing as being dickslapped in the teeth, it is right next to the bus stop which is convenient. Swings and roundabouts.

Nelson House

Despite being situated in an area decorated by a 70-foot-tall, colour-blind Banksy, Nelson House is another one of those halls that easily slips the mind.

A quick bit of internet research reveals they have a house cat called Nelson. So there’s that.

Unite House

While having a warden who moonlights as a purveyor of quality MDMA is all well and good, getting your last choice for halls is not so great.

Residents of this noisy inner city residency console themselves with the thought that the fun they’re having is better than anyone else’s and is exclusive to them. It isn’t.

University Hall

When a full body condom is recommended to anyone entering your halls, it’s probably not a good sign.

The fact hundreds of people walk past the voyeuristically designed windows every day apparently does nothing to make the residents of these halls act like normal human beings.

Most people would rather lick the toilet floors at Syndicate than go here.

Wills

From its reputation you would think the average student living here is either the child of a Russian oligarch or a successful supervillain.

This hall can be found at the butt of every chant heard at the Stoke Bishop bus stop and whether there’s any truth to the stereotype doesn’t matter anymore.

The snowball was set in motion a long time ago and now they’re caught in an avalanche.