Traditions every fresher must uphold and love

Like them or loathe them, traditions are what keep the fabric of society fed and watered, regardless of whether they are unhealthy, aggravating or illogical.

Bristol University Freshers over the past few decades have forged their own traditions and it is the God-given duty of every first year to uphold them in celestial eminence.

Monday Bunker

A fresher’s Holy Land

It is probably one of the worst places you will ever go, filled with sweaty, obnoxious drunks who will attempt to grind you to the sound of house music. However, the smoking area is wonderful, the bar staff are relatively amiable and the music, though detestable in every sense, can actually be survived.

Unreserved hatred of Wills

Bristol’s Oxbridge imitation: Wills Hall

It is cliché, but the raison d’être of a fresher should be an unequivocal, unforgiving detestation of Wills. Partly because they have far nicer rooms than every other hall, partly because the aesthetics of the building itself points to a people composed entirely of bitter Oxbridge rejects.

It is also because, generally, the vast majority are pretentious tweed-wearing, poor-bashing, upper-class bastards. You will meet some nice people in Wills, and there really are some (including an Anarchist sect), but most of these people should be treated with contempt.

Propping up the great institution – Jason Donervan

Fine dining

Imagine the scene: you have just come back from Bunker, you are hungry, frustrated (because you went to Bunker) so where do you go? Your first stop should be the conveniently located “Jason Donervan”, a kebab-van ran by the charismatic and charming Jason.

He will be the supplier of your meaty wants (no fresher perverts, not in that way) and will serve you up some questionable meat, undercooked cheesy chips and a smile. This great institution needs to be kept alive; freshers, heed my call and rally around the Donervan.

Varsity

This is the annual rugby match against UWE, our arch-rivals who have yet to discover the wheel, and the match is always one intoxicated display of how Bristol is intellectually and athletically superior to UWE.

Don a burgundy scarf or jumper and come to the match to chant some slightly elitist songs at the UWE supporters, who will take up to twenty minutes to reply back (through fear of language). This is the greatest public display of your loyalty freshers, so make sure you turn up.

Buy at least one copy of The Big Issue from Jeff

Legend

With his wild disposition and rhetorical skills, he has been selling the Big Issue for years on that same corner. Everyone is his “brother” or “sister” and if you have no money in your pocket, you will force the nearest person to pay him for you; he is that persuasive. He is another great Bristol institution; support him freshers, it is your God-damn duty.