Exclusive: non-arts students to be banned from the ASS library

Controversy as ASS Library decides to refuse entry to students not studying for arts or social sciences degrees


  • Machines will stop non-arts students from gaining entry by reading UCards.
  • Security ‘not afraid to use force’ to remove non-arts students.
  • Crackdown comes after Arts students complain about overhearing derogatory remarks from science students.

There was shock this morning as the University announced non-arts students will no longer be able to access the famous ASS library.*

Non-arts students: banned from this place

A university spokesman declared: “It’s unfair for science students to be using other people’s facilities when there’s plenty of room for them elsewhere.”

The spokesman also revealed “there have been repeated reports of non-arts students insulting and mocking those from the arts, which we consider to be totally unacceptable”.

Second year drama student Jacqueline Harries claimed “groups of science students” had been insulting people in the ASS café, lambasting them for not taking “proper subjects” and having “zero job prospects”.

There have also been reports on social media pages such as Spotted In The ASS of scientists chanting “this library is ours, this library is ours, you thick bastards, this library is ours” and “Willy Shakespeare, you wanker, you wanker”.

According to Jacqueline, in one particularly disturbing incident, a Medic “projectile vomited in the café” after discovering the brownie he bought from the cake sale “had been prepared by an Ancient Historian”.

An Arts-only zone

As part of the changes, the library entrance machines will be coded to identify the ID cards of non-arts students and prevent them from entering the library.

The university has also reportedly recruited Lizard Lounge’s bouncers in an attempt to stop non-arts trespassers. According to the university statement, they’ve “undertaken extra physical training” for the task and “will use force against non-Arts students if necessary”.

John Lounge told us he’s “furious” at the ASS Library’s “underhand recruitment techniques”.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I’m going to have to move the AC Milan cloakroom man to the front door”.

One Biology student, Josie Brookman, said she was “disgusted” by the decision.

“I think it’s appalling we should be treated in this way. This discrimination needs to be publicised”.

“I’ve already approached Epigram to write an article about it but I was told there’s no room for my column because of a story they’re running about feminism in the Dominican Republic”.

Not all non-Arts students are bothered though. Horatio Harper-Wallace, a Physicist, said “to be honest, man, the ASS Library is way too mainstream”.

“I prefer to work outside on the pavement, channelling Bristol’s urban grittiness in my revision”.

The Union was sadly unavailable for comment, as Rob Griffiths has been appointed a UN Goodwill Ambassador and is busy “changing the world for the better”.

*Gotcha, check the date guys…