Things you felt more than Thursday’s Bristol earthquake

Reports of Thursday’s minor earthquake sparked a local media frenzy.  But we don’t know what the fuss is about: almost nobody in the city actually felt a thing.

The earthquake happened in the sea about 20 miles away, just south of Wales, and measured only 4.1 on the Richter scale.  It’s supposedly the biggest earthquake to hit Britain in six years.

Some of the damage suspected to be caused by the earthquake

Apparently, any weather that isn’t a little bit of light drizzle makes the headlines.  So, we decided to get in on the act.

Here are just some of the things you reported feeling more strongly than yesterday’s ‘earthquake’:

• Major soberness in Lizard Lounge
• An ant sneezing
• (A Wills resident) the recession
• The good lord’s wrath

‘Earthquake or fat guy sitting down?’ asks Drama student Mary McScary

But not all students felt the same.  Drama student Mary McScary exclusively told us:

“I was terrified.  At first I thought it was just a fat guy sitting down but then I realised it was an earthquake.  Everything was trembling but after a minute I couldn’t tell if it was the ground shaking or me.  I thought there’d been a tsunami too – but as it turned out, I had just wet myself in my panic.  Still, it was a lot of wet.  It was really embarrassing but at least I’m still alive!”

Alternatively, if you make porn for a living like The Tab’s good friend Johnny Rockard, you’ll take a braver approach.

Johnny tells us: “I felt the earthquake, I was making a movie at the time.  I felt vibrations but I can’t be sure, it could’ve just been really good sex.”

Was it an earthquake or was it just this?

We care deeply about your safety.  If you’re ever faced with such danger again, this is what we recommend:

Keep a ‘just in case’ earthquake survival kit.  Bottled water or a more appealing beverage, safety helmet, pen-knife, condoms (you may be trapped for a while!), and a copy of EpiBore or alternative remedies to insomnia.

If it’s too late to get all that together, then say your prayers and beg for forgiveness before the ground opens you up and swallows you into the dark depths of hell.

Stay safe, guys.