Sports Night at Bunker

How does your team behave on a night out?


Except for the occasional Facebook photo album providing snippets of their debauchery and decadence, Wednesday sports nights at Bunker remain a mystery to those not invited to the inner sanctum. The Tab will be infiltrating the tribal rituals that our university’s fittest and finest indulge in once a week. The mysterious rite will be exposed, and each week we’ll reveal the darkest secrets of two societies.

Rugby

Rugby

Cantankerous or docile, either extremely well-dressed and inebriated, or naked and unconscious, the rugby ‘lads’ are the most volatile species to capture on a night out. Grunting loudly, they bark the double-barrelled surnames of their burly team-mates. Most vomit half of their drink in the queue, the texture of the captain’s semen and the half a pot of lemon curd in their dirty pint having proved too much for those with a weaker disposition. Breathing heavily with regurgitated reproductive fluids and grandmother’s preserve, they are now sober enough to terrorise the club; they roam quickly like Neanderthals, augmented by the various supplements taken in training – a sexual frustration endemic.

Neanderthal

A Rugby lad in Mbargo

Korfball, Ultimate Frisbee, Dodgeball and other fictional sports

The most inane of activities, these sports are for those individuals who could not find their niche in real team games. Like a Lib Dem in a cabinet meeting, these individuals are just glad to be out of the house, grateful for the invite and a bit of life experience and happy just to be rubbing shoulders with the real sportsmen and women. Their dress-up themes are vague so that they cannot be identified as a collective group, for fear of being directly asked what sports they represent, and having to validate their ridiculous hobby. But for some incomprehensible reason, they seem intent on trying to imitate the primitive behaviour of other more mainstream sports, through downing pints, cross-dressing and shagging as many members of the other sports teams as possible.

Dodgeball

Not a real sport

Next week: Netball and Snowsports face the scrutiny of The Tab’s undercover reporter.