Bristol’s Crisis of Identity

The Tab identifies Bristol’s most trying students.


We live in a polarised time. Vote on which Bristol stereotype you find most unbearable.

‘TRUST-A-FARIANS’

Ironically products of excess capital, these crusty-dreadlocked hippies can often be found lurking in Stokes Croft with a pocketful of uncooked lentils or hazelnuts. Mostly vegetarian (but still eat pesto because they are unaware of rennet), they mutter things like ‘why can’t everybody be free?’, or ‘we must liberate Palestine’. Supporters of post-constructionist Marxism, they support any social movement, even if it collides with their heritage. A negligent approach to hair removal, upstairs and down. Only American Spirit will be smoked; they smell bad, and they do not wash their anus for several weeks. The females’ noses are often weighed down with nose-rings which could, because of their size, be used as key-rings. They dress in Jodhpurs purchased on the gap ‘yah’ in India, and have skanky braids with matted, greasy hair. The males dress exactly the same.

‘IDENTITY-GATES’

So named because of a North London school. These walking conflicts the quotient of surplus wealth and a loss of inner city identity. Clothing includes: tracksuit bottoms, charity shop jumpers often chewed by a dog at the bottom, garish shell-suits, often worn with brogues. They may cut their own hair. Often, they buy vinyls but do not own a vinyl player. House music is very important, despite being rejected from Berghain 12 times. They usually claim they support Labour. Birthright or Christian summer camp now a distant memory, these ‘wannabe’ DJs love K, even if they do a degree in Medicine.

‘AUSTERITY PACKAGE’

‘The recession isn’t over yet’, according to a group of Northerners clasping dented, warm cans of Carling outside the Co-Op. These pale, pie-eaters do not spend more than they have to. Their meals are usually 95% starch, their vegetables boiled to death and are served with lashings of salt. They always find enough money for fags. Most Northerners study technical subjects. This is because their minds adapt very easily to cold, non-human mechanical processes. When asked about which political party they support, they may say ‘they’re all the fucking same, aren’t they?’

‘SINGER-SONGWRITER/BAND MEMBER’

Completely out of touch with reality. A hideous dress sense, usually wearing turtle necks with scarves. Singer-songwriters often take photos of themselves smoking and holding a bottle of Jack Daniels and upload on to Facebook, or their Cath Kidston design-inspired blog. The brand members will tend to have dirty hands and wear denim jackets. Fans of Morrissey, most started their ‘careers’ in the choir, or singing at an Evangelical Community Centre.

‘CIDER GUTS’

From the Bristol area, probably born in a barn in Somerset, they usually enter the University of Bristol because of an equal rights quota brought in by New Labour. They often study subjects like sociology or social policy. Their teeth are corroded by the acidity of cheap, abrasive cider. Lonsdale is the brand of choice, and sometimes they have purple eye-brow hoops. They are cautious of the invading Londoners, and are not seen very often. They usually drink on Park Street.