12 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re A Philosophy Student

Snehal Shah cynically discusses the features of her own subject.

12 Things Degree Philosophy Understand

1. Silent disgust of these guys

Lovechildren of the hippie and the hipster, these guys ‘philosophise’ about the beauty and sociological meaning of a pencil.  But it’s fine, they’re high.  And they’re half naked in a park, preaching about the revolution.

2. Irrational fear of the Ladyman

Can’t decide if you love him or fear him more.  But if he talks to you, you’ll lose control of your bodily fluids.

If Ladyman Says It, It Must Be True

3. “I study in a palace.”

You feel just a bit more intelligent for working in this grand old place (and a bit more awkward for wearing your trainers in there)

The Superiority Of Our Department

4. The compulsory crush on Richard Pettigrew

Admit it: you only went to Logic lectures in first year to hear his glorious accent

I Only Took Logic So I Could See You…

5. Silently cringing at this:

And I Still Learnt Nothing In Logic

6. The secret hierarchy of joint honours degrees

You accepted long ago the Phys Phil students will always be smarter than you.  And you sneer at Phil English students’ long, flowery, meaningless words.

Phys Phil, I Salute You

7. PhilSoc event?  Run in the opposite direction

Every PhilSoc social turns into a philosophy debate and the same 10 nerds are the only ones there.  You’re better off joining the druggie Marxists

This Was In Spoons. PhilSoc Sure Knows How To Party!

8. Mozart randomly reaching your ears?

Oh that’s just Alexander Bird and his grand piano, No Big Deal.  (There’s another piano in the library.  Most departments don’t even have ONE.)

Mystery Piano Playing? It’s Alexander Bird!

9. Questioning the need to shave

Is a beard the DRESS CODE?

SO MUCH HAIR.

10. Highbury Vaults: Your Second Home

You’ve now taken up permanent residency at Highbury Vaults (WHY do we always go there?  It’s loud, overpriced and tiny).  Evenings on the triangle are a distant memory.  This degree has zapped all the fun out of you.

Cramming 100 Philosophers Into Here. Just A Typical Monday.

11. You’ve got ten gruesome murder methods…

…for the one person who has a ‘question’.  That very pompous, up-himself fellow with five long-winded and entirely pointless questions because he thinks he’s just disproved the entire theory.  But really, he just doesn’t get it.  You know the type, and you want him banished.

That Dreaded Time Of Day: QUESTIONS.

12. And when you finally graduate…

You realise you’ve come out of it all with expert skills in piano-playing and non-shaving, and a major superiority complex for actually doing a respectable arts degree.  And no idea where to go now.

Why Does Everyone Think This Was My Degree?

Keep peddling on, philosophers.  Just never, ever, question the realism of your degree.