We all know that life at Bristol University is so exciting that it deserves its own soap opera. In this momentous article, which doesn’t at all rely upon traditional Bristol Uni stereotypes, The Tab poses the all-important question of which Eastenders characters apply to which halls. Are you ready? (Inserts that legendary Walford drum beat)…

Clifton Hill House – Dot Cotton

Clifton Hill House

Just like Dot, Clifton Hill House is passionately religious and generally very boring, but everybody has a soft spot for it. It’s perfect for introverts and classical music fans. ‘Aww, you go to CHH, bless!’ sums up the attitude towards this pianist-dominated hall.

If you’re in CHH and you’re feeling down, rest assured there’ll be someone on hand to offer a Biblical quote to cheer you up. As the least scandalous University halls of all time, it’s the ideal place to live for somebody who takes pride in going to bed at half past seven every night.

Hiatt Baker – Phil Mitchell

Hiatt Baker

Like the Chairman of the Mitchell clan, Hiatt Baker’s quite shit in terms of appearance, but provides a lot of entertainment. Just like Phil, who’s been shot, battled alcohol and drug addictions and survived about fifteen high-speed car crashes, Hiatt Baker has endured its fair share of ordeals, such as the seemingly endless building works.

Just like Albert Square’s hard man, the Hiatt Baker facilities are harsh and unpleasant, but you just can’t help warming to it. It’s got character, nobody can deny that.

Wills – Michael Moon

Smarmy and cocky…Wills Hall

Smarmy, cocky and believing it’s vastly superior to all the other halls, Wills is the Michael Moon of Bristol University. Just as Michael tried to portray himself as a big-time businessman and yet in reality couldn’t afford a washing machine, Wills desperately wants to be an Oxbridge college, but just isn’t.

Michael was so infuriating that he ended up getting killed by Janine. Whilst nobody would like to see the same happen to the population of Wills, chants of ‘bantaahhh’ have been known to make people’s blood boil.

Goldney – Ronnie Mitchell

Goldney Hall…something not quite right

Goldney Hall is certainly attractive with its beautiful orangery and gothic tower. So is Ronnie Mitchell – on the outside at least. The truth is that both have unsettling secrets. Goldney’s involve rooms like prison cells and horrible spiral staircases, whilst Ronnie’s include celebrating the New Year in style by killing a man and watching his body get crushed in a scrapyard.

Unite House – Shirley Carter

Admit it, when you found out you’d been put in Unite House, you probably reacted in a similar way to the punters when Shirley walks in for a pint or twelve at The Vic. But once you get to know Unite you’ll realise it’s actually OK. Just as Shirley has a fantastic time on the lash even if  her night culminates in projectile vomiting on Phil’s doorstep, you’ll have a great laugh at Unite. Don’t knock it; it’s loads of fun, with plenty of partying and general drunken shenanigans going on all the time.

Badock – Sharon Watts

A bit stuck-up…Badock gets Sharon

Badock’s also a good laugh, but, like Sharon and her irritating, whining little boy, it’s a bit stuck-up. It tries to compete with Wills for the title of most prestigious/exciting/mental hall even though it really doesn’t matter. Badock, seriously, you’re not that much better than the other halls.

Durdham – Little Mo

Durdham Hall…quiet

Durdham’s perfectly pleasant, but a common complaint is that there’s little communication between flats. The result? Staying with the same group of people for the entire year. That’s why it’s like Little Mo, who was rarely involved in a scene which didn’t feature another member of everyone’s favourite bunch of Chavs, the Slaters. In short, an inoffensive, but moderately boring halls of residence.

University – Pat Butcher

University Hall…Pat

Like Pat’s earrings, University’s cheap, a bit naff, but, let’s be honest, legendary. The bar is supposed to be one of the best, rivalling the one Pat used to have in her living room when she entertained Patrick prior to their passionate, vomit-inducing sex sessions. Generally University is down-to-earth and cheerful just like good old Pat, boasting a great community atmosphere.

Churchill Hall

David Wicks – Churchill

As Wills’ main ‘rah’ rival, Churchill has delusions of grandeur, just like the ever-irritating David Wicks. Wicks has the bizarre belief that he’s Walford’s answer to Sir Richard Branson – well, to be fair, he did once own the car lot, which sells about one motor a year. Churchill’s a bit similar really; it thinks it’s the poshest halls, but will always live in Wills’ shadow, just like how Wicks will never rival the inexplicably rich Phil Mitchell.

Manor Hall – Denise Fox

Manor Hall

Manor’s in a fantastic location, has spacious rooms and a good atmosphere, but everybody seems to forget it exists. A bit like Denise. She’s perfectly pleasant, runs the Minute Mart superbly, but I often forget she’s in the soap. She’s not the worst character, but not the best. A bit like Manor.

Photos: Virgin Media