How not to do the ASS library

Want to ruin everybody’s ASS experience? Find out how with our guide to doing everything wrong.

The 'legendary' ASS library

The ‘legendary’ ASS library

I don’t know about you, but I really enjoy making people’s lives a misery in the ASS Library.

I don’t go there to do work – I much prefer pissing people off. Want to do the same? There’s an art to it. Follow this guide and prepare to unleash hell on your fellow students…

Play music at full volume with crap headphones

Obnoxious music listener

Although I know some peasants might find it distracting, I’m going to listen to an extremely obscure band at full volume with a crappy set of headphones. I might even hum along a bit. If I’m told to turn it down, I’ll just huff and puff and do nothing.

Have a good old chat

Time for a chat I think!!!!

The best place for a social gathering? Definitely the first floor of the library. Doing work is far too mainstream.

I prefer to prance about and find people I may have met once on a night out in Stokes Croft. I’ll then proceed to whisper (loudly) “Oh my God, how are you?” and hug them in the most exaggerated manner possible.

I’ll spend the next fifteen minutes having a good old chat, pretending to take an interest in their boring lives and pissing off everybody around me. Then I’ll move on to the next individual I half-recognise.

Dominate the café

I’m going to head into the library with my mates, take position right in the centre of the café on one of those manky green armchairs and have some loud and lengthy ‘banter’. If we run out of things to talk about during the three hours we pointlessly spend here, we’ll just roar with laughter at something mundane.

Be a Poser

Posing ASS Library style

The only reason I bother going to the library is to get on the ‘Spotted’ page. I’m definitely good-looking enough (that’s what I tell myself all the time anyway). I’m going to spend hours walking around aimlessly, pouting, ‘squinching’, desperately trying to catch someone’s attention. I check ‘Spotted’ every ten minutes on my Iphone in the hope that one day it will happen. One day…

Leave the desks in a state

Eating is forbidden on the first and second floors, but this rule does not apply to me because  I’m too important. I sneakily smuggle two Twirl bars and a coke upstairs and gobble them up quickly, belching loudly for the next hour or so. When I decide to go, I leave the rubbish on the desk, as well as some snotty tissues.

Hog a desk for days

Leave your desk like this for days/weeks/months

I’m going on holiday to Australia for two weeks, but I really can’t face losing my spot. I think what I’ll do is leave a pad of paper, a few books and some pens in one of those booths. I’ll expect nobody to move my things – I will keep this desk forever…

Be an annoying couple

I couldn’t think of anywhere more romantic than the ASS library. That’s why I take my girlfriend there and passionately caress her in front of everybody, giggling, laughing and whispering to our hearts’ content. Beautiful.

Use this drinks machine

Totally reliable

Sit down in the middle of the staircase

Of course my social life is wonderful, so it’s crucial that as many passers-by as possible know about it. I choose to sit on the top step of the staircase – right in the middle – announcing loudly on my mobile phone that the previous evening was a ‘top night’. If people ask me to move out of the way, I glare at them aggressively.

Munch on food noisily and messily

Tucking into one of those revolting ASS café sandwiches, I chomp on the food like a dog, cheap, runny mayonnaise dribbling down my chin, crumbs falling everywhere. I might even spill something on somebody sitting next to me, but I’m too self-absorbed to apologise.

Breathe like Darth Vader

Rather than concentrate on my work, I’m going to annoy/scare the hell out of the person next to me by putting all my energy into inhaling and exhaling. Fear me.

Forget how to use the toilets

Your average ASS Library toilet

For some reason I’m going to piss all over the toilet seat, throw toilet paper around and maybe even shit on the floor as well.