Step 1: Getting the Grades

That Desmond will come back to haunt you.

Who ever said first year didn’t count? Idiots. Anything less than a 2:1 only serves to show that, to these big boy companies at least, you have the worth of a dried out wet wipe. Bet you feel stupid for spending 99% of freshers throwing up in various clubs on the Triangle now.

On that note, it’s probably also worth going through every single one of your photos on Facebook and removing the tags of you in ‘compromising’ situations. You never know.

Step 2: Competency questions

The soul destroying, mind numbing, tear-inducing, dream-crushing application process. Because remember, nothing shows off your best qualities like concise bullshit.

Oh what’s that? You’ve nearly finished the application? How about 2000 words of competency questions?  You can try to copy and paste your answers, but it will only lead to tears before bedtime. Probably after bedtime too.

Step 3: The online tests

Arguably the most pointless of all the stages, and rendered inept by the fact nearly every candidate treats them as a teamwork exercise. Just make sure you do the smart thing and gather your mates around the computer for the questions, and you’ll be OK.

Step 4: The phone interview

If you think about it, there are few things creepier than having a complete stranger – someone you will probably never meet or talk to again – asking you about your aspirations and dreams.

Make sure you crowbar in a mention of every single skill that might possibly be relevant, however tenuous. It doesn’t matter if it sounds contrived and desperate, at least your potential employers know you have strong leadership skills on account of your 6 month incumbency on the School Council in Year 9.

Nervous? Best put a suit on. Just in case.

Step 5: The Assessment Centre

You’ve made it to the final hurdle. Congratulations. You are safe in the knowledge that rejection at his stage would most likely cripple you as a human being.

Be prepared to brown nose your way through some testing interview questions, and make sure to mention your lifelong interests in bond syndication and risk management. Deploy the word ‘passionate’ liberally and with rigour.

Whilst you wait for your interview, be careful not to be intimidated by the other candidates, no matter how many orphanages they built with their bare hands in Cambodia last year.

Step 6: The offer/rejection

You might as well just kill yourself now.

If you are lucky enough to receive a placement, massive congrats, you’re well on your way to thirty years of soulless corporate enslavement.

For the rest of us deadbeats, have no doubt that the feedback will be completely inadequate. And tremendously vague. You might well have tried your best, but in the least clearly explained way possible, it wasn’t good enough. Back to the drawing board.