The LAD-o-Meter

On a scale of 1 to “let’s go fucking mental”, how much of a LAD are you? Read on to find out.

Are you as much of a LAD as this lashbeast?

Are you as much of a LAD as this lashbeast?

1. How did you lose your virginity?

A) On the back of a stolen pedalo. In Magaluf. Although if you were being honest you actually lost your v-card when you were menaced with a dildo on a rugby tour to South Africa in the summer of 2011.

B) A cider-fuelled and rather desperate fumble in a park when you were 16. You’re not entirely sure whether it counts but you say it does because you haven’t had sex since.

C) The concept of ‘virgnity’ is a symbol of the patriarchy. Fuck the patriarchy.

2. Which of these would you most like to have as a pet? 

A) The Mofo:

Practised Banthropologists sometimes refer to this mysterious creature as a Banterlope.

B)  This cheeky sloth:

Check out that crown #holla

C) This cutie:

Cuuuuute. But is it banterous?

3. Which of these descriptions of Robin Thicke do you most agree with? 

A) “Robin Thicke is the kind of lad who goes to withdraw lash from the lash machine and gets rejected ‘cus the machine is all like, if anything Robin you have too much credit #trueLAD”

B) “People who criticise Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines probably have a point but maybe they should chill out, have some bantibiotics and realise that he ain’t a bad guy reeeeaally.”

C) “Robin Thicke makes me sick to my stomach and his lyrics, which equate to a defence of ‘no actually means yes’, help to reinforce the everyday prejudices that I oppose.”

4. Of these snapchats, which is most similar to the ones you send? 


A few lads having a shower in #BantanimoBay


Banter rating 5/10



5. How would you define the word ‘Banter’? 

A) “You’ve either got #banter or you don’t. It’s like being fit. I consider myself to be a practised banthologist, able to go from lash to banter in an astonishing 0.34 seconds. #PrayingBantis”

B) “A harmless word for pisstaking between mates.”

C) “Banter is a cloaking device that allows worst kinds of sexist, racist bullies to say whatever the hell they want with impunity.”

6. Of these celebrities, which is the best role model? 

A) John Lounge

Between 1979 and 1987, John Lounge was head coach at FC Banterlona.

B) Boris Johnson

Little known fact: Boris’ favourite meal is bangers and lash.

C) Laurie Penny

Photo: @PennyRed

Mostly As – Top Lad

Life for you is all about binning pints, very public handjobs and the odd bout of spousal abuse. Tactical chundering and frequent public nudity marks you out as the kind of lad whose mighty deeds might one day be recorded in the #LadBible itself. Lizard Lounge ‘happens’ at least three times a week for you – on the dancefloor you throw shapes not dissimilar to those of a squirrel trapped in a cardboard box. When you and your fellow lads (who all have nicknames ending in the letter ‘o’ or ‘y’) go out on the lash the only people who are not holding one pint are instead holding two pints. You are basically an Australian.

Mostly Bs – Wannabe Lad 

Life is a banticlimax for the wannabe lad, a person who is simply wrong, like a sultana in a salad. Wannabe lads are tragic figures lusting after a lifestyle that, due to various factors (high intelligence, zero physical prowess, weak liver etc), will forever be unattainable for them. You can spot the wannabe lad easily: it’s the guy who laughs in all the wrong places lest they suspect themselves of not having a good time. Furthermore, you can sense that a disproportionately large part of this person’s agenda consists of trying to present themselves as a lad – a definite no-no.

Mostly Cs – Feminist 

When the Union banned Blurred Lines from university buildings a few weeks ago, a single tear of joy rolled down your cheek – finally. Later that day you decided to bake solidarity brownies to celebrate this momentous event. When you explain the concept of ‘male privilege’ to the homogenous masses you resemble a very intelligent talking hedgehog in a waistcoat desperate to demonstrate the marvellous workings of your magical chocolate factory. You think ‘lads’ are complete dickheads.