Lectures can be dull experiences, even if you’re a History student and you hardly have any contact hours.

What makes them even more excruciating is the following annoying habits.

Applaud the lecturers

I passionately applaud my lecturers

I applauded my teachers at school, so I don’t see why I should change. “Well done, sir”, I used to say after a lesson. “Well marked, well marked”, I used to shout after receiving my homework. “Good decision”, I once exclaimed after seeing a boy get a detention for his shirt being untucked.

It’s not as if we’re paying any money to hear these lecturers speak – they deserve all the appreciation we can give them. I’m always profoundly moved by what they say – it’s not as if I’m too busy trying to remember why I woke up fully-clothed on the floor alongside the festering remains of a Donnervan cheese and chips special. I’m always inspired. Yes we can!

Brutally hammer the keys on your laptop

I’m going to demonstrate how angry I am by absolutely battering my laptop’s keyboard. Don’t mess with me. I’m showing everyone that I mean business.

Ask pointless and pretentious questions

Not more questions, please……..

I’m going to make sure I keep everybody behind for as long as possible by asking the most pretentious question I can possibly think of.

Tip: it must feature the words ‘dichotomy’ and ‘state of modern Britain’ and bear absolutely no connection to the lecture that’s just been given. The language I use must be as flowery as possible, so much so that my question is devoid of any meaning.

Make out passionately with your girlfriend

I’ve just started going out with my girlfriend and I want to make sure everyone finds out about it. To be honest, it should be on the front page of every student newspaper, probably the nationals, because I’m a prominent student tabloid journalist. Until that happens, I’m going to settle for passionately touching and caressing her in front of a room of half-awake zombies.

Cough

Yes, I’ve got a bit of a cold, but for reasons known only to myself I’m going to wildly exaggerate it, producing a cough that sounds like it’s from the depths of hell. I’m going to retch powerfully, covering the person sitting next to me with infected saliva and sending snot flying all over their notes.

Be a noisy lad

Beer, football, women..I’M A LAD!!

I’m going to make sure everybody is aware of my presence. I’m going to stride into the lecture theatre and take up position at the back, shouting and laughing at the top of my voice.

Just as you think the lecturer is making an interesting point, I’ll blur it out with the sound of the word ‘banter’ and my deep football chat, because don’t forget I’m an expert after seeing one Man United game in 2007.

I’ll also loudly discuss my adventures at Lizard Lounge and how I brought a girl back, although what actually happened was I got bored, left at 1am and ended the night watching a ‘Ready, Steady, Cook’ rerun.

Play loud music through my headphones

I’m not interested in this lecture at all  and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest that some people might be. What I’m going to do instead is put my crappy headphones in and turn the music up to full volume, irritating  everyone around me.

In addition, I’m going to make sure I’m listening to the most obscure piece of shit of all time because I wouldn’t want to give off the impression that I am too mainstream.