The Phantom

No known sightings

You’re still not sure if this person actually exists. You vaguely remember meeting someone in freshers’ week but there has been no contact since then.

The only sign of activity is the occasional dirty pan left on the hob and a disproportionate amount of strange food items in the fridge.

You will have undoubtedly spawned various legends and myths about this individual, and any unclaimed spillage or mess will immediately be attributed to them.

The Mess-maker

Health hazard-creator

Accessing the kitchen has been getting gradually more difficult since the start of term.

You will have lost various items of furniture to the rising tide of debris by now (the table and worktops are usually the first to fall), and wading through it to get to the fridge is becoming increasingly inconvenient.

Any confrontation is met with a confident ‘I’ll do it later’ or ‘I was literally just about to start’ approach. Don’t believe the hype, it’s all lies. All of it.

 The Clean Freak

Also commonly leavers of passive-aggressive notes

This individual can seem like the ultimate godsend at first. Their presence will announced with the appearance of a pair of golden marigolds carefully draped within the vicinity of the sink.

Over time these marigolds will haunt your dreams, manifesting themselves as a symbol of everything you’ve ever hated in life.

Any poor utensil or cooking implement unfortunate enough to be left out in the kitchen will be tidied away never to be found again.

Expect regular passive aggressive notes dotted around the house and a consistent vocal presence constantly urging you to clean up.

The Sofa Slob

Two slobs in their natural habitat

Whilst most of your flat seem to have lectures, this individual seems to be perfectly content spending £9,000 a year to sit in front of the TV.

They will have carved themselves out their own special place on the sofa, which in turn, will have moulded itself to the contours of their body.

As term progresses the oxygen thief will become surrounded by a landscape of dirty plates and glasses, cementing their position as a permanent fixture in the room.

The Scrooge

A Scrooge in action

The biggest fun sponge in town.

It’s quite possible that this person has some sort of built-in fun-radar, as they will always, always, manage to track you down when you’re enjoying yourself and sap every last scrap of joy from the situation.

Having a laugh with your mates or listening to music at the ungodly hour of 8.30pm? They’re trying to sleep. Cooking a lovely roast for the flat in the kitchen? They wanted to cook.

Commonly also a complete bore when it comes to drinking and nights out (“Oh you really embarrassed yourself last night, don’t you remember?”), and the sort of person to ask you to return the 37p they lent you three weeks ago.