How not to do the gym

Four weeks into term and it might be time to hit the gym. Your room is probably littered with used beer cans, whilst empty Dominos boxes lie in between the random items of fancy dress on your floor.

But hang on a second – what if you’ve never been before? What if you don’t have a clue when it comes to exercising?

Don’t panic. Just do exactly the opposite of this.

Be really intimidated

Terror and extreme paranoia

I can’t do it! Everyone’s going to be staring at me! They’re all going to think I’m an idiot! I can’t face the gym!

Hey, don’t bother wiping things down after you’ve used them!

I ensure I piss everybody off by leaving the machines in a horrible state. I can’t be arsed with a towel. To be honest, people should be honoured they’re sitting in my stale sweat.

Leave your weights on the floor

The right way to put weights back – on the floor

Come on, it’s not as if anyone else needs to use them. Honestly, it’s no biggie if someone trips over either.

Try to lift weights that are too heavy for you

Look at me, I can definitely, definitely lift this!

I’m going to make sure everybody in the gym knows that I possess unbelievable strength. I’m going to lift the heaviest weight possible, even though I’ve only been going for a couple of weeks and it’ll probably break my back. I’ll also grunt incredibly loudly as I do it, just so everybody knows EXACTLY what I’m doing.

Expect instantaneous and incredible results

If I go a couple of times a week I’ll soon look like one of those elite rugby players. Girls won’t be able to resist me.

Be really vain

I make sure I stare at myself in the gym mirror as much as possible while I’m pumping iron because let’s face it, I’m very sexy.

Go home and eat junk

Post-workout meal

Because I work out at the gym, that means I can eat whatever I like. I could go to Donnervan every night and I’ll still get a six-pack. All it takes is a few sit-ups every day.