Worst Bristolian: Vote Now

Some impressive names have passed through our university. But so has James Blunt. We’ve cherry-picked some of Bristol’s most mediocre grads. Who’s the worst?

Some superb human beings have attended Bristol: the likes of Simon Pegg, Harold Pinter, Chris Morris and Emily Watson to name but a few.

But what about the other end of the scale? Who brings shame and mediocrity to the reputation our hallowed institution?

You decide. Scroll down to cast your vote.

Matt Lucas

Because drag, fat people and tits are funny. Photo: www.gossip.is

Matt Lucas is perhaps most famous for being the most egg-like mammal of recent times. Lucas is, along with fellow Bristolian David Walliams, one half of the ‘comedy’ duo responsible for such memorable catchphrases as “eh, eh, eh”, “yeah I know” and the truly unforgettable “I’m the only gay in the village.”

I can only imagine that your sides are splitting as much as mine were when I typed those gems out.

Best of times: Is essentially Humpty Dumpty in human form, fastidious gay rights campaigner and  is personal friends with Peggy off Eastenders.

 Worst of times: Developed and starred in Little Britain, one of the worst sitcoms of all time. It’s up there with eating soap or watching an orphanage get hit by a tornado for laughs.


Judy Finnigan

Our Jude. Photo: audioboo

If you’re as old as I am (which is likely) you’ll be able to remember that Judy Finnigan was a colossus of daytime television for the best part of 30 years. An achievement of course undermined by the fact that daytime television is terrible. Fun fact: In 1993, Judy is “very embarrassed” after sex therapist Dr Ruth Westheimer advises her on air how to satisfy Richard in bed.

Best of times: Daytime television titan along with husband Richard Madeley. During the National TV awards in 2000 she accidently bared her bra to 12 million viewers but gamefully retained her dignity. Sort of.

Worst of times: The ‘You Say We Pay’ quiz on her channel 4 show turned out to be the biggest scam since SuBo was defeated by Diversity in the 2009 final of Britain’s Got Talent.

Lembit Öpik

There are no words for this. Photo: Telegraph

Put simply Lembit Öpik is an absolute weapon of a man, a real purulent tit and a Liberal Democrat to boot. If you want a laugh, google ‘Lembit Öpik Wrestling’. Christ. One can only hope that his actions, in the fullness of time, sink to nothingness.

Best of times: Lembit dated a Cheeky Girl. His stand-up comedy routine was described as “not fantastic, but not completely awful”. Lembit is reportedly a skilled paraglider.

Worst of times: Lembit dated a Cheeky Girl. Öpik was dumped by weathergirl fiance Siân Lloyd in 2006 after she found out that he had been sending text messages to various different women signed “Puppy Dog” – maybe he should have signed them “Love Rat” instead. Lolz.


Derren Brown

Derren Brown is probably the most famous magician to come out of Bristol. We can therefore blame him for the terrible night I once spent in that Illusions Magic bar on the Triangle because without his success it wouldn’t exist. Probably.

Best of times: Derren is television’s most eminent manipulator of credulous members of the British public.

Worst of times: In 2009 Derren ‘predicted’ the Lottery results live on Channel 4. It was predictably shit.


James Blunt

Total dreamboat.

James Blunt wrote the song ‘You’re Beautiful’. That ought to be enough for him to be a contender in this poll. His resemblance to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ continues to unsettle all who notice it.

Best of times: James Blunt has sold 18 million records worldwide. He once averted World War Three (seriously) but it was no biggie. Regularly spends time on his yacht oiling up fit women.

Worst of times: Blunt once sold his sister on eBay (seriously). Blunt has deposited more than £2 million in the offshore tax haven Jersey which suggests he may be something of a douche.

Klaus Fuchs

Klaus: One badass motherfucher.

Klaus Fuchs is probably the least well known name on the list which is awfully unfair, after all, no other Bristol graduate bears quite as much responsibility for initiating the Cold War – a period of prolonged tension that came close to annihilating all life on this planet several times. Nice one Klaus.

Best of times: Klaus is a regular feature in titles like “The 10 Best Spies of All Time”. He earned a Ph.D. in Physics from Bristol in 1937.

Worst of times: Klaus played a key role in the development of atomic weaponry (generally considered to be a ‘Bad Thing’). Fuchs spent 9 years in Wakefield Prison after he confessed to leaking secret information on British and U.S. nuclear weapons programmes to the USSR throughout the 1940’s.