Does anyone genuinely enjoy the sound of house music?

Monotonous beats, no lyrics, wondering when the track begins and ends. We’re all in on a massive conspiracy, says Ekin Karasin.

I belong to that very small group of people at uni who don’t live for the Majestic YouTube channel. Why? Because house music is wank. The monotonous beats. The fear that you may never hear lyrics again. Wondering whether the song will ever end, if it’s already ended, and another has begun.

Sure, I’ve dabbled. Dimly enjoyed Au Seve. Entertained thoughts of venturing to Maribou State. But, still, to my crippling disappointment, the thought of spending a night manically side-stepping at Our House makes me want to slink off to a bath with a razor.

It’s that genre of music that doesn’t really feature in the main charts; doesn’t jostle with Flo Rida and the latest pre-pubescent wanker with a sweeping fringe. So if you want to get into it, you have to go out of your way. Research it. Discreetly hunt down your edgiest mate – the one who shots hand sanitizer and looks like K-Swiss and Fila shat all over his neon shell suit. He will tell you which experimental house-trance-electro-wank duo you can accidentally leave on as your screensaver in the library.

That’s why I think we’re all in on a massive conspiracy. Who genuinely enjoys the sound of house?! Answer me this! I want to corner an unsuspecting raver and yell ’Just tell me the truth!!’ They will no doubt shrug and say ‘yeah it is a bit shit, isn’t it?’ before they suddenly remember that they Absolutely Love It and dance jerkily away.

So while I grimly contemplate how many more sambuccas the liver will have to suffer before it sounds pleasing to my ears, I’ll tell myself this. Basically – it’s like smoking. No one enjoys it the first time. You ease into it because it’s cool and then pretend you loved it all along.