Why We Should All Join The Drug Trade

The university’s debt wouldn’t be a problem if we all learnt from Timothy Newbury


With a gross debt last year of £250 million, the university is in desperate need of innovative and drastic measures to maintain funding.

With this in mind, I find it baffling the university decided to terminate trailblazing employee Timothy Newbury of the physics department.

Business genius Newbury had the insight and wit to realise we’ve all been sitting on a goldmine. While other members of staff were moaning about pension reduction and grant cuts, Newbury prepared £10,000 worth of cocaine using the H. H. Wills Physics Laboratory hydraulic press.

A visionary criminal

It is symptomatic of our conservative and progress-averse society that instead of being thanked for his efforts, Mr Newbury was fired. I don’t think he went too far. I think he didn’t go far enough.

The university has resources and know-how your average Colombian drug cartel could only dream of. Combining the large-scale chemical synthesis resources of the chemistry department with the business-savvy of the economics dept., Bristol University could corner the entire south-west England drugs market. And perhaps even beyond.

By enlisting the talents of the law school, legal repercussions could be avoided. Pharmacology and neuroscience departments could even devote a portion of their resources into developing new and more addictive recreational drugs.

Art students, whose sleeping timetables are well known to coincide with the average heavy drug user, could act as a point of sale, cutting out the need to employ violent criminals for dealing. Meanwhile, the already noisy and unkempt ground floor of the Arts and Social Sciences library could be converted into a crack den.

Think of all the jokes we could make about Crack in the ASS

With this new revenue stream, the university will be able to double the number of postgraduate places and increase university capacity. The halls of residence will be converted from squalid student digs into lavish palaces of luxury.

The very finest minds in the world will flock to the university for its opulent laboratories and gold-plated grants. Lecturers will be given plastic surgery to make them more attractive to students, increasing attendance.

There are wider social benefits too: unable to compete on price or service, local criminal gangs will be forced out of business, vastly improving the most deprived areas of this wonderful city we call home.

The University of Bristol must act quickly if it is to get on this gravy train before the market is cornered by UWE (although there are those who suspect this may have already happened – have you seen the football stadium they’re building?)

But most importantly of all, Timothy Newbury must not be lambasted as a villain. He should be celebrated as a hero.

Cover Photo: tanjila (Flickr)