Talking Dirty

What does your dirty talk reveal about you? Our new columnist goes under the sheets to find out


Dirty talk can be good, in fact it can revolutionise foreplay. But it can also be bad. Very bad.

Deep into the dirty a few weeks ago, a guy asked me if I wanted him to rip my panties off and ram his cock inside me. I so wanted to reply suitably sexily but realistically had to dampen the dirty and explain said ramming would in fact be highly painful – I wasn’t quite wet enough. Mega cringe.

I have this theory what a guy says beneath the sheets doesn’t just reflect his sexual fantasies, it’s an indication of how he acts in real life too. Most revealing are the unplanned, spontaneous words which slip out in the heat of the moment.

Talk dirty to me…

Dominance crops up again and again. A guy’s choice of words, either along the lines of “I’m gonna fuck you so hard” or “lie back and let me make you come”, reveal a lot about his views towards women.

The former is more likely to take control, choose positions, throw you around, whilst the latter will focus primarily on you, happy to let you make all the decisions. Both are good. It’s just nice to know where you stand, isn’t it? And nowhere more so than in the bedroom.

Talking to my friends about this topic has given me more entertainment than I could ever have imagined. One friend said a guy called her his ‘Little Piggy’ during sex. Humiliation to the max.

Another took home a guy who seemed normal (they always do, eh?) yet progressed to talk to her in a Geordie accent and refer to his cock as his carrot, as in ‘suck my carrot.’ Wow. I think I’ve got off pretty lightly. Touch wood (no, not that type…)

Perhaps the worst dirty talk – just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than references to farmyard animals and root vegetables – is when a guy refers to himself as your ‘daddy.’ Um, hello, my father is probably the last person I want to think of during sex. Ewww. It seems again to reflect the guy’s obsession with dominance.

All in all, some of my best sex has been due to words that escaped in the heat of the moment… yet some of the worst as well. It’s a tricky one. I’m not gonna give you tips on what to say because ultimately the best dirty talk comes from within, but what I do believe is that your mouth isn’t just for giving head.

Ladies, never underestimate that other thing you can do with your tongue.