12 Days ‘Til Xmas!

Food and Christmas go hand in hand but there’s so much choice it’s hard to know what to buy.

The Tab decided some market research was in order so hit the shops with the brief to buy anything ‘Christmas-themed’.

The result: lots and lots of chocolate.

Essentially teacakes with fillings, these managed to provide our testers with nothing but disappointment.

“Where’s the Turkish?” cried Martha after finding no filling in hers.

Compared to the size of the packaging, it was hard not to be disappointed by the small size of the teacakes. The choice of fillings also seemed peculiar as neither turkish delight nor caramel were a natural companion to marshmallow. The result was a synthetic mess.

“I want to spit mine out” said Jessie, who then revealed she doesn’t like the combination of chocolate and marshmallow anyway.

Despite the proud boast on the packet that the sponge contains ‘real raspberry pieces’, our Testers were unanimous in deciding these slices tasted nothing like candy canes. Mainly because they thought candy canes were meant to be peppermint flavour.

Apparently ‘fluffy and moist’, the sponge instead was roundly described as ‘stodgy’ whilst the flavour remained impossible to pin down.

Ailsa, who tried one blind, was able to figure out it had a ‘berry thing’ going on but couldn’t get any closer.

The rum and raisin slices drew a mixed reaction. Martha decided they were her favourite of the day, whilst Ailsa let out a wail of despair on biting into one.

However, this might have been more to do with Ailsa’s hangover than the actual cake.

The chocolate and caramel coating proved baffling, leading to an unwelcome competition for flavour.

Despite this, Martha felt the cake was one of the more tolerable in the selection. Must have been the rum talking.

Another treat courtesy of Mr Kipling and more bemused reactions from our testers.

“It tastes almost identical to a Viennese Whirl,” remarked Martha, unable to notice the subtle difference between raspberry and black cherry jam.

Whilst credit should be given for presentation, the cake managed to turn into a gooey mess in your mouth, viciously sticking to your teeth. Not very impressive.

As the above picture probably demonstrates, there was nothing festive about these biscuits, which seemed designed to terrify unsuspecting children.

The range of expressions varied from sinister to evil via creepy, which quickly led to a competition between our testers to find the most disturbing one.

They did inspire some childhood nostalgia, especially in Martha, but it was hard not to be let down by a very boring biscuit.

As one tester pointed out, there seemed to be no difference between regular Faces and Festive Faces making this one of the most shameless Christmas cash-ins ever.

This dubious marvel of chocolate engineering was found on the shelves in Poundland, everyone’s favourite confectioners.

Coming from some obscure French chocolate-makers there were more than a few anxious looks shared by our testers before sampling this.

Although the chocolate was very thin, it also managed to be extremely sweet. As a result, it tasted nice for a few seconds before quickly becoming insufferable.

Whilst Jessie was impressed with the technical craftsmanship that must have gone into making it, Ailsa was less tolerant, commenting it ‘doesn’t even taste like chocolate’.

Another oddity from Poundland and, as with the Festive Faces, a Christmas treat seemingly designed to give kids nightmares.

Putting Spongebob Squarepants on a Christmas tree decoration containing sweets sounds like a good idea. For some reason, the manufacturers chose two of the most terrifying pictures of Spongebob possible.

Once our testers finally got into the ball, the contents proved to be an anti-climax. Two ordinary, unexceptional marshmallows.

“It’s a marshmallow” wailed Jessie, who had obviously hoped for something slightly more nuanced from a cheap kid’s toy.

Closer study of the marshmallow revealed nothing exceptional about it whatsoever, although they did both look slightly like nipples according to one of our testers.

Everyone loves mini rolls, but our testers were slightly bewildered as to why mint flavouring made them Christmas-y.

Jessie opted out professing a strong dislike for mint chocolate, leaving our other testers to brave a cake which managed to taste exactly like toothpaste.

“It’s like someone picked up toothpaste instead of the normal cream filling” said Craig, leaving the rest of the mini roll uneaten after one bite.

As the most expensive item on the table, there was an air of anticipation surrounding this offering from Choc A Blok.

Our testers all agreed it was by the far the nicest-looking of the food (though the competition wasn’t hard to beat). Would it also be the tastiest?

Short answer: no. The chocolate, though nice, was variously described as ‘ordinary’ and ‘decent’, hardly high praise for something which cost nearly a fiver.

These absolutely stank of rum, so much so that even opening the packet left you feeling a little tipsy.

Given the smell they tasted, unsurprisingly, of rum. Ailsa was unsuspectingly given one to help with her hangover but her enjoyment quickly turned to horror once she noticed they were alcoholic. Not what was needed after a night of heavy drinking.

Inspection of the packet revealed these truffles contained a staggering 25 E numbers. “Is that even legal?” asked Jessie. As nobody could answer, the one tester not put off by the high alcohol content continued to eat them anyway.

Our testers had a feeling these would be the runaway champions of the selection so decided to save the best until last.

This proved to be a massive mistake as our testers had begun to get chocolate overdose by this stage.

Critical discussion was brief beyond a quick ‘nice’, though everyone agreed they were definitely “too rich after everything else”.

In a surprise victory, the nicest thing our testers sampled was actually the mulled wine served by our hosts The Hill!

Containing a shot of Hendricks, the wine managed to be more seasonal than any of the laboured Christmas confectionery put in front of our testers.

So this Christmas, forget the cakes and just stock up on booze instead. Your party guests will thank you for it.