Tab reviews porn: Tomb Raider XXX

Last time I watched porn, I received something of an education in the meaning of ‘female friendly’. In the pursuit of discovering whether gals can enjoy hardcore porn, I’ve had quite some images blow-torched onto my retina.

Despite the palpable fart that Sex Trek let rip on erotica, all is not lost. There is, however, a new problem emerging. And it’s serious.

Boredom.

There’s something weird about a situation where, as humans manically sex each other for your viewing pleasure, groaning with Anne Hathaway-style sincerity, contorting themselves into sweaty red knots and vigorously rutting at 300mph, you’re on a different tab nonchalantly checking the location of your next seminar and scrolling through Geri Halliwell’s Twitter feed.

This could be the result of a rapid desensitisation to the repetitive images of throbbing genitals which, as well as being gross, are a bit boring. That or the maxims of Ginger Spice are genuinely more captivating than massive, bobbing phalluses.

But let us press on with the goods. This time: a different tack.

No messing around, I choose – Tomb Raider XXX. (I note the ‘classic’ Womb Raider…but common sense dictates it’s best to avoid a porno that could involve forceps and the cast of One Born Every Minute).

Regrettably, there are three fundamental, relatively self-explanatory issues with this porno.

Number one: within five minutes it’s too grubby for me to handle. Number two: for the majority of the film, I have piss all idea what is going on. Number three: it is extraordinarily, exasperatingly dull.

Our gal Croft is searching for the ‘scion’.

As far as I can discern, this is some sort of yawn-inducing artefact from the original films with a vague, boring history no one could give a shit about (“shut up and show us Lara’s boobies” etc).

In the spirit of mindless shagging, the makers of this film plump for a half-hearted, mostly uncreative replica of the original incoherent sequence of events, inter-cut with furious humping.

At times, said humping is so alarmingly furious it’s like a dodgems session without dodgems or clothes. And markedly less sexual tension.

In fact, an innocent observer might presume these unlucky souls have run in to each other at a particularly clumsy angle and can’t work out how to disentangle themselves from what is now an exceptionally awkward situation.

Panic ensues, and now they’re getting pretty pissed off about the whole damn thing. Sort of like an x-rated, tedious episode of You’ve Been Framed.

One of many confusing scenes

There are essentially no characters; just a lot of naked people who occasionally say words. The level of thought put into the story is established in the creepy, paternal relationship Lara shares with ‘Alistair’ at ‘HQ’.

The climax of this is not, thank God, consummation. Instead, as a sign of her gratitude, Lara sends him some sort of complementary hooker. Lovely – that’s next Father’s Day sorted.

Though Lara makes a gallant (nanosecond-long) attempt at straight-talking all-American sass, this is slightly undermined by a) her willingness to bonk men who want to assassinate her and, most bizarrely, b) an extended scene of direction-less rock-climbing at what is clearly a shit outdoor activity centre.

For literal minutes she scrabbles around on a wall without moving any further from the ground, her bum cheeks erotically billowing out of the harness, whilst world music inexplicably plays in the background.

The rest of the film, however, was so dire it left me on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Why am I spending my evening watching porn that isn’t even good? What are the implications for my future if I can’t understand the plot of a porno? Why am I enjoying this weird soundtrack? Etc.

On the upside, my boredom drove me to discover a new, exciting way of experiencing x-rated movies. If you minimise the video, it usually sounds even grimmer than it looks.

But at least then you can check Facebook and write your suicide note.