Brystal Palace 1 – 2 Goldney

Its blows, woes and frozen toes all round as Goldney beat Palace in arctic conditions

The pitch was muddied, the opposition had been studied. All it would take now is some shins to be bloodied and we’d have a game of Intra-Mural football on our hands.

When I say the pitch was muddied, I mean it was muddied. Muddy to the point whereby no self-respecting farmer would allow his pigs within 40 yards diameter for fear of his precious livestock drowning. But the ‘authorities’ (of whom no-one had seen or heard of for several weeks) had inspected it and play began.

Not even these guys would have survived the quagmire

Palace had two new recruits this week following gaffer Declan Grady’s ban on centre-back Ogilvy for missing a drugs test. Kelly and Funnell, known to be two of the hottest new prospects on the market were drafted in after (boy) scout Rogers had made a few calls.

It was a cold, cold day. Temperatures had dropped into the minus figures and old Etonian Charles Case even started the game with his cashmere knitwear underneath his kit.

Pre-game Robertson-Macleod had muttered “I’ve got a good feeling about my keeping skills today, lads.” But 25 minutes in, 45 yards out, the Goldney skipper drilled a ball straight towards the Palace goal.

The mud was so thick it barely reached the line. Except it did. Just. Via the gaping hole in the legs of Robertson Macleod. 1-0 Goldney.

The wind was virtually pulling the trees out of the ground

Into the second half and finally some Palace link-up play down the flank left Goldney dumbfounded.

It was magical, dreamlike, captivating and perhaps even paranormal. Rogers to Feather, Feather back to Rogers, Rogers to Kelly and the rest is history.

Charming his way through the defence like wingback Talkington on a night out at Lizard Lounge, Kelly drifted into the area and put a ball across that ‘the Gaffer’ couldn’t have missed. He didn’t. But he did come worryingly close. 1-1.

It didn’t take long before Goldney were back in front. Some lackadaisical defending allowed a Goldney counter attack and left Robertson Macleod no option but to drop to the floor like one of the grouse that Case had gunned down the previous weekend at his moor in West Yorkshire.

Once again the Goldney striker was gifted an open net. He kept a cool head and slotted home.

With the clock ticking, Goldney allowed Palace a penalty for a handball. Skipper Feather looked uneasy. He asked newcomer Kelly if he fancied it. He didn’t. No one did. Especially not Feather.

Placing the ball amongst the miry swamp, Feather stepped back.  He could hear his ‘friends’ Talkington (subbed off because he had, unusually for him, “hit it quite ‘ard” the night before) and Rogers sniggering on the touchline.

A quite dreadful penalty followed. Dribbling so slowly toward the goal that after the Goldney keeper had originally dived to his left, he picked himself out of the sludge, turned around and dived this time to his right, just in time to tip the ball round the post for a corner.

As far as Palace were concerned, that was the game over. As the players shook hands, members of Brystal Palace came to the mutual understanding that Goldney were their favourite opponents to date.

Will Feather retain his prized no. 8 shirt?

Needless to say though, Feather walked home alone.

MOTM: Jamie Robertson Macleod for a ‘faultless’ performance.


Goalkeeper: Jamie Robertson-Macleod

Defence: Talki Talkington, Charles Case, Henry Wilson, Harry Zundel.

Midfield: Jake Rogers, Humphrey Kelly, Andy Quaile, Ollie Feather, Max Connolly, Jamie Budgett.

Strikeforce: Declan Grady, Jonny Funnell.