Tab Reviews Porn: Sex Trek

As anyone who has encountered Fifty Shades of Grey and its filthy progeny will know, literary porn for women is ubiquitous, acceptable, and possibly even chic.

Whatever you feel about porn in which the characterisation is so thin it’s basically recreating an uneventful trip to the gynaecologist, this is undoubtedly some sort of sexy breakthrough. But if we’re to have round two of the sexual revolution, we must push on.

Literary porn: just for women?

Let us not just read porn, in a blasé sort of way, on the beach, and on the plane, pretending it’s not porn.

It is time for us to enter the real, visceral, booty-smacking world of feature length, storyline porn films: the final taboo of women’s erotica if you will.

Together we shall claim it…once I’ve summoned something watchable from the cesspit of the Internet.

As a friend sagely advises me, “If it exists, there will be porn of it.” After much hasty flicking through graphic thumbnails (A Tale of Two Clitties…bit twee, As You Like It Rammed Up Your Ass…bit brash, Schindler’s Fist…bit, um, specialist) I choose Sex Trek: Charly XXX. It claims to be funny, which I thought might take a bit of the heat off all the rampant sex.

More importantly, though, is the fact that Sex Trek is tagged ‘Female Friendly’.

The final frontier…

Admittedly, what ‘Female Friendly’ means is a bit of a mystery. One would expect such a film would involve fewer close-ups of post-op vaginas, less airborne semen and fewer entirely symmetrical, spherical breasts that look like obscure WW2 weapons.

Alas, expectation is the root of all traumatic experiences of pornography.

Clearly, most generic adult sites are run either by spuriously named porn directors (Randy Pervert, Dick Thrusty etc.) or quite seriously dysfunctional young men. Because whoever is tagging these bloody videos ‘Female Friendly’ is interpreting the meaning of ‘friendly’ incredibly generously.

The protagonist is the Captain: a surly man with an American drawl which sounds like the tragically hammy consequence of a series of massive strokes (“waan haaawt baaaabe”). The doctor of the ship is named ‘Boner’, there are eastern European lieutenants ‘Jackoff’ and ‘Screwyu’, whilst a Spock lookalike has been renamed ‘Sperm’.

He originates from Planet Horny and his spunk is lurid green. Porn does not do subtlety.

The storyline sporadically filling the gaps between all the energetic thrusting is simple: Charly, the lone survivor of a spaceship crash, is beamed onto the ship. After much excitement about her being a) in the buff (why not?) and, b) well up for it, it transpires that Charly is not as naïve as she first appeared…sex-orientated chaos ensues.

The stand out theatrical performance is Boner. A sexually ambiguous professional who likes to indulge in risqué ‘examinations’, he is markedly more enthusiastic about delivering his lines than the other, er, actors, which makes me wonder whether he has a sideline in fronting detergent commercials or something.

He really works at developing an indirect actor-audience dynamic (“It’s eight minutes into the movie and we haven’t had a sex scene yet!” “If this girl dies before we have sex, we’re gonna get a bad review!”), and is by far the best at raising one eyebrow whilst spouting an innuendo.

He is not, however, somebody one would wish to see butt-naked, sweaty, and gurning his way to orgasm. Which is a shame, because that is evidently his joie de vivre.

The highlight of Sex Trek is when Charly ‘possesses’ the Captain with her libido. In terms of dramatic potential, this is surely comparable to Jamie Lee Curtis trying to pass herself off as Lindsay Lohan trying to pass herself off as Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday. Mind-boggling, glorious stuff.

Sassy and camp, the Captain struts around the ship with a sudden and unassailable interest in what everyone is wearing, and how flattering his arse looks in his uniform, as if he’s Gok Wan. I don’t recall what follows happening on How to Look Good Naked, but maybe I only ever watched the pre-watershed versions.

Obviously I’m not the target audience, but what truly baffles me about Sex Trek is its chronic deficiency in erotica. Telling terrible jokes sets a really bloody weird, impassive tone for sex to suddenly start happening all over the place, and everything about Mr. Sperm is genuinely stomach churning.

In fact, all the men are gross, the women are terrifying, and I feel like I’m being slapped across the face with a vagina every two seconds. Not quite the breakthrough from Fifty that I’d predicted. Promptly back to the drawing board we go.

Boner is great though. Expect big things. Arf arf.

What should Ailsa watch next? Give us your recommendations in the comments.