Guys Go Speed Dating

Liar, Liar: Don’t believe everything you hear at speed dating
Photo: Flora Wilson

As a borderline misogynist with little in the way of personality, I was well aware of the risks of trying to attract girls at UBU’s speed dating event.

Yet with only two minutes of conversation per interaction I figured I probably wouldn’t have to tell too many lies in order to come across as a fun, datable guy.

Unfortunately my ‘no lies’ plan was shelved early on when my first date inquired about my hobbies.

Reluctant to talk about online video games or hard-core pornography, I soon realised I’d have to use a certain amount of artistic licence if I was to persuade any girls to stick my name in the ‘likey’ column and secure myself a date.

At first I lied in a conscious and responsible manner, but very soon I simply forgot that I was lying, and let Mr Hyde take the reins for the rest of the evening.

The format didn’t exactly help my game. Consecutive tables were placed well within earshot of one another, and in most cases this prevented me from recycling ‘spontaneous’ jokes and other canned material.

“I heard you make that joke on the last girl”
Photo: Flora Wilson

Each table also contained a bowl of edible goodies – usually heaped with suggestive items like Love Hearts and lollipops. But about every third table had a bowl containing that lesser-known aphrodisiac: chips. (CHIPS!).

After a while, I couldn’t help but notice an uncanny relationship between the size of each girl and the number of sweets which she’d left un-gobbled in her bowl…

Interactions lasted for two minutes or so, before the boys were required to stand up and move counter-clockwise on to the next table. Many conversations were pretty mundane and often eerily reminiscent of Freshers’ Week exchanges (‘What are you studying?’, ‘Where are you from?’).

Yet I found myself frustrated when, on those few occasions where I felt I’d made a connection with someone, I was forced to vacate my seat and return to square one after hearing the ‘time up’ gong.

I actually sympathised with the girls. Most of them were attractive and sincere, but unlucky in love and – now that most were in the latter stages of their degree – unwilling to trawl through seedy basement nightclubs on Clifton Triangle in search of physical and emotional satisfaction.

The boys on the other hand were mostly creeps and perverts like myself who’d spent far too much of their young lives fantasizing in front of their laptops whilst women like these went begging.

Nevertheless, I’d heartily recommend the event to anyone thinking of going next time. It’s a great way to meet new people, even if I did come away without any digits, as well as (most importantly) being an economical way to get smashed.

How was speed dating for you? Did you lack the courage to approach your dream girl? Let her know how you feel in the comments below.