How To Spot Club Creeps

Every girl has been hit on by one. Every guy has a mate who is one. Meet the four types of guy to always avoid on a night out.

Girls in Bristol have all experienced it. You’re out celebrating the hand in of our last assignment, but you know your night is going to be ruined by some sex-starved moron who won’t leave you alone. Lads ‘on the pull’ tend to fall into four categories. Ladies, make sure you learn how to spot them.


The Back-Attacker

Cartoon: Josh Gabbatiss

These guys opt for the sneaky, unsuspecting approach from behind that you only become aware of when their hands creep over your waist and the thrusting begins. All personal space boundaries are ignored and self-control is lost.

You can try to turn around and give him the ‘I’m not interested’ eye but they won’t leave. They will return, more adamant to show you what they can offer, usually with some lunges onto the neck in an attempt to woo you.

Maybe he will change his tactics and attempt a less forceful dance upon you. You might even think for a minute that he has changed, until he says those three magical words…

“Back to mine?”

You can’t help but feel slightly ill but manage to reply no. This confuses him so he looks at you in disbelief as he puzzles out what he’s done wrong. After some thought, he will return with what he thinks is the corrected question…

“Back to Yours?”

How To Avoid: When entangled with a Back-Attacker, leave the dancefloor immediately and stand with your back against the wall somewhere. This will give him no choice but to approach from the front which he will be incapable of doing. After a while, he will lose interest and pursue fresh prey.

Key Fact: Back-Attackers are usually unattractive, which is why they approach from behind and try to hide their face.


The Swapper

Cartoon: Josh Gabbatiss

This breed of male favours the direct approach, living by the motto: “There’s plenty more fish in the sea”. After you turn them away, they’ll immediately approach your friend stood next to you.

The Swapper’s scatter-gun approach means he often forgets who he is already tried it on with so you and your friends will each be pursued by him several times over. Even when you think you’ve cut him loose for good, he’ll be back mere moments later.

How To Avoid: The Swapper hunts girls who are in packs so avoid standing in a large female-only group. Surrounding yourself with other men will scare The Swapper away.

Key Fact: Most Swappers will start a night by trying the most attractive girls and work their way down the list. You can judge roughly how good you’re looking by how far into an evening he takes his first pass at you.


The Liar

These guys are the hardest to spot and can be anyone from a Fresher to an experienced local. Their technique relies on getting you alone, so they will invent an excuse to separate you from your friends.

Initially, The Liar will make out that he just wants to ‘talk’ to you and isn’t interested in going straight for the kill. However, as their name suggests, they should not be trusted. The Liar will mislead you about everything from his name to how he knows everyone else at the club.

The best way to catch The Liar out is to trap him in his own lie, as this girl does brilliantly.

Boy: I’m on the High Performance Squad.
Girl: So is my friend, do you know her?
Boy: No, I don’t go to meetings often but we are all going to Spain on the summer trip.
Girl: That’s odd because she is going to France.
Boy: Oh, that’s right I was thinking of where we went last year.
Girl: I thought you said you were a fresher.

Other frequently heard lies include:

  • “I’m Captain of the 1st rugby team”
  • “I’m single”
  • “I don’t usually do this”
  • “Come back to mine, we can just hang out”
  • “I’m a Fresher” (despite clearly being over 25)

Cartoon: Josh Gabbatiss

How To Avoid: Don’t talk to anyone you don’t already know. Or, if that’s perhaps too anti-social, ask all suitors to fill in a highly personal questionnaire which you can quiz them about later.

Key Fact: Some Liars have been doing it for so long that they actually come to believe their own lies. The government has yet to recognise this as a mental disorder.

The Vulture


Cartoon: Josh Gabbatiss

The Vulture will spend most of the night in hiding, often in disguise as an ordinary guy. However, when the club enters its final 30 minutes, a sudden silence will descend and you will realise you are one of the only girls left. It is now that The Vulture makes his appearance.

Before you have a chance to run The Vultures will descend and trap you on all sides, preventing your escape. Strong hands and sharp fingernails are needed as you must claw people off you as you grab your friend and head for the exit. Do not leave a friend behind with a flock of Vultures; they will never forgive you.

How To Avoid: Always leave a club night with an hour to spare and do not hang around outside burger vans and kebab houses as the smell of food often attracts scavengers.

Key Fact: This behaviour can also be found in the animal kingdom:

This isn’t meant as an attack on guys and we don’t want to give the impression that girls aren’t up for a laugh on a night out. All we want to highlight is that the types of men mentioned above are not attractive in any way.

In order to help those who act in these ways, we’ve put together five quick tips to help with your rehabilitation:

  1. Just because you are wearing a shirt, chinos and a Bristol tie does not means girls will/should drop to their knees (literally) for you.
  2. If you think it is verging on sexual assault, it probably is, so stop.
  3. If you have just ‘vommed’, go home. Do not proceed to go on the pull.
  4. If she is pushing you away, she’s not playing hard to get. She is genuinely repulsed by you.
  5. Remember you are in a public club, not a hotel room.