CHOOSE HOCKEY, IT’S CARNAGE!

The Tab takes you inside the bizarre social world of Men’s Hockey.


The Guide 2012-2013: This embarrassed hockey fresher requested to remain anonymous.

Want to play sport but can’t choose which one? Whether you’re an undecided Fresher, or just looking for a change of scene, look no further than Men’s Hockey, whose 2012-2013 guide makes a pretty compelling argument to ‘Choose Hockey’.

It all starts very sensibly. You’re introduced to the committee and told that ‘though it may appear that the social secs are just constantly getting lashed, there is a level of organisation involved’. There is a list of the year’s fixtures.

Next, though, is ‘The Social Guide’, a by no means cringe-worthy guide to ‘the finest social event organisation in the Universe’.

Under titles like ‘Hockey is Carnage’ and ‘Imbibing is Paramount’. the guide takes you through everything you need to know to survive a UBMHC social, from a ‘bottle and four’ (a bottle of port/wine and four cans of lager to be consumed on every away bus journey), to answering the question: ‘what happened after I nailed that final SnakieBTM?’

Imbibing is paramount: nail/slam everything you can.

One important lesson to all UBMHC freshers is to always wear your club tie, the most ‘prized possession in your wardrobe’. And what if you’re lucky enough to find female company for the night?

‘Nailing women on a Wednesday night is much the same as nailing vessels on a Wednesday night: it must be done in your club tie.’

That clears that up then.

After listing a number of games such as ‘SicilianTM and ‘PizzazzTM’ which all involve in some way or another the nailing of jars of SnakieBTM, there is the club song sheet. This is a collection of wonderfully offensive sports songs covering a range of topics from necrophilia to AIDS that no doubt are belted around The Bank with great volume.

Choose f**king big hangovers on Thursday mornings, it’s a no brainer!

Unfortunately the pages of this guide are so well written that we’d need to print it all to do it justice. You’ll just have to find out for yourself by joining the Hockey Club (which could be right up your street, if ‘f**king big hangovers on Thursday mornings’ and ‘humiliating the rugby club’ are your kind of thing).