Be The Freshest

Freshers’ Fortnight is an essential rite of passage for all students. However, forced socializing with people you don’t know is never much fun. So whether you’re a Badock badman or a Churchill cutie, here are some tips to reduce the undeniable awkwardness of Freshers’.

Definitely Not Awesome

Ever dress up for a night because no-one wants to be friends with a tubby, badly painted ninja turtle.

Wash your clothes because your parents will think that you’re independent and stop giving you money.

Introduce yourself to everyone on your corridor because then you can be the mysterious one.

Make a name for yourself, or people will know you by reputation alone for the next three years.

Go to Halls supper because it’s always rank and there’s never enough ketchup.

Worry about meeting everyone, they’re not going anywhere.

A Student Essential

Budget. Pasta is disgusting. Steak is not.

Talk to your senior resident as on the whole they’re dorks.

Bother with subject socials as a history deadline doesn’t count as small talk.

Forget to ring Mum and Dad.

Bring down your car (see ‘The Inbetweeners’ for the benefits).

Talk to your neighbours.

This Guy Gets Laid More Than You

Play music/musical instruments loudly late at night, because DJs and musicians get laid more than you.

Pretend to sleepwalk into someone’s room because that’s a classic icebreaker.

Organise a corridor party and purposefully don’t invite everyone, that way you’ll never be the loner.

Pretend to have heard of all the DJs.

Shave. Movember is to make tramps feel better about themselves (more on Fanuary later girls).

Get a bigger overdraft (everyone loves free money). That way you can buy more drinks for girls and get laid more.

Spend all your money. YOLO!!

But most importantly, NEVER EVER dress up as a Smurf

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