Clubbing For Dummies

Jake Goodman provides Freshers with the essential clubbers’ guide

Bristol has one of the most varied and exciting club scenes in the UK. However, for the uninitiated, it can be hard to separate your Motions from your Mbargos. Luckily, The Tab are here with all you’ll ever need to know about Bristol’s top nightspots.

In a Sentence: The go-to club for Bristol students
Queue Length: 3/5
Girl/Guy Ratio: 1:1
Bouncer Violence: 4/5
Music: Bangers of every variety
Signature Drinks: Bunker Bombs and Bunker Beer
Best Night: Bed Mondays
Worst Night: Saturdays
Typical Punter: Everyone
Interesting Fact: There’s a pull cam as you leave so look out for yourself on Youtube.

In a Sentence: About as mainstream as it gets
Queue Length: 4/5
Girl/Guy Ratio: 2:3
Bouncer Violence: 5/5 – They hate everyone
Music: Mainstream
Signature Drink: VK strawpedo
Best Night: Eden Fridays
Worst Night: Killa Disco Wednesdays
Typical Punter: Mainstream clubbers and locals
Interesting Fact: They claim they’re a superclub.

In a Sentence: The perfect place for a fun and alternative night out.
Queue Length: 2/5
Girl/Guy Ratio: 1:1
Bouncer Violence: 2/5
Music: Alternative and Dubstep
Signature Drink: Something that suits heavy bass
Best Night: Pressure
Worst Night: Discord
Typical Punter: Alternative who likes fun
Interesting Fact: It’s on a boat!

Lizard Lounge
In a Sentence: Dress rah, dance cheesy
Queue Length: 5/5 – Always long
Girl/Guy Ratio: 3:2
Bouncer Violence: 2/5 – Generally quite nice but will get rid of any pricks
Music: Cheese
Signature Drink: Toffee Vodka
Best Night: Tuesdays
Worst Night: Wednesdays
Typical Punter: Rahs
Interesting Fact: Students call it Lounge, but locals call it Lizards

In a Sentence: The best nights in Bristol
Queue Length: 4/5
Girl/Guy Ratio: 1:1
Bouncer Violence: 2/5 – Tough on drugs, but generally fine
Music: Anything from 50’s swing to Fatboy Slim and Andy C
Signature Drink: Bottle of Water
Best Night: Itchy Feet
Worst Night: Depends on your tastes
Typical Punter: Everyone who gets tickets early and can afford them
Interesting Fact: The venue is a skatepark by day

In a Sentence: Small-scale Motion
Queue Length: 4/5
Girl/Guy Ratio: 1:2
Bouncer Violence: 3/5
Music: Deep house and dark trance
Signature Drink: Tap water
Best Night: Saturdays
Worst Night: Mondays-Thursdays
Typical Punter: Druggies
Interesting Fact: It’s only recently reopened after a drug-related death last year
In a Sentence: The ultimate pre-drinks
Queue Length: 2/5
Girl/Guy Ratio: 1:1
Bouncer Violence: 2/5
Music: Chart classics
Signature Drink: Cocktails
Best Night: Bounce Mondays
Worst Night: Fridays
Typical Punter: Lawyers stopping off for drinks before clubbing
Interesting Fact: There’s no ‘e’ in Mbargo!

In a Sentence: One of the best two gay clubs in Bristol
Queue Length: 1/5
Girl/Guy Ratio: You might be able to work this one out yourself
Bouncer Violence: 1/5
Music: Pop, R&B, Mainstream
Signature Drink: OMG Lager
Best Night: Wednesdays (Free entry and discount drinks)
Worst Night: Tuesdays
Typical Punter: Gay guys and girls and their straight friends
Interesting Fact: Owned by the same people as Bent