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Here are the people you met in Freshers’ who you should never, ever associate with again

Long live the awkward nod

Hey, remember Freshers’ Week? Remember how we were far too open-minded about who we hung out with and ended up attracting all the biggest melts on campus?

Now we’ve got normal friends, we’ll look back on that period of our lives years later and shudder, horrified at the absolute weirdos we associated with:


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The Wannabe BNOC seemed like a top legend who loved fun and knew all the best people. But as he walked around campus in his shorts, flip-flops and hoodie, fist-bumping everyone he saw, you realised he didn’t actually know anyone, he was just a superficial waste. He calls everyone by some strange variation of their last name, and for your whole time at uni you’ll hear him bellowing “MACKERS”, “JOZZA”, “TOMMO” to random blokes outside the union.

He does a posh-boy sport like Rowing or Rugby, not because he’s any good, but for the kudos and the full kit. That doesn’t stop him carrying a protein shaker everywhere, or religiously attending Wednesday AU nights in chinos and a blue shirt, which he accessorises with a neon slop of VK down the front.

 

It’s two days into Freshers’ and you’re open-minded to any potential friendship. Cue becoming BFFFFFFFFLs with a total stranger in a club loo. She said she liked your lipstick; you said you loved her outfit; you worked out you know someone from her hometown (she didn’t know them but neither of you cared). “Such a small world!!” you shrieked as you exchanged phone numbers that you’d never, ever ring.

Fast-forward a year and you’re both awkwardly avoiding eye-contact in Sainsbury’s.


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The Sesh Head was beyond stressful. He took the whole freshers’ lad banter thing way too far – forget Freshers’ Week, he had a Fresher’s Month and tried to force you to go out every single night, until you started hiding from him as a self-preservation tactic.

He still gets absolutely mortal most nights, and now whenever you see him he’s either hungover, still drunk, or on his way to get drunk again. He was notorious in halls both because of his lash antics, and for setting off the fire alarm making drunk toast every single night. He knows all the loosest nights in town, but gets kicked out by the bouncers 80 per cent of the time. 

 

They seemed like they were the only normal person in your seminar, but your relationship never went further than awkward small-talk while you waited outside your tutor’s office. You chatted uncomfortably as you walked between lectures, and the most interesting your conversations ever got was talking about what you were up to at the weekend, peppered with nervous laughter and awkward pauses.

As the semester dragged on you began making excuses so you wouldn’t have to walk the same way as them, even though it meant you had to go miles out of your way – it was worth it to avoid the awkwardness, and you knew they were probably happy you jumped on the grenade too. When your module finished, you never saw them again.


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You fell into the Clinger’s trap during Freshers’ because you were being polite, but you ended up with a rampant keeno who wouldn’t quit. You should have noticed the alarm bells when you saw how vocal they were on all the Freshers’ groups, adding everyone in halls and asking a million questions: ‘Is anyone else bringing flip-flops for the shower?’, ‘Do you guys all like Uno?! I smell a tournament!!!!!!!!1!!!!’.

They were in your room constantly, sitting on your bed and chatting rubbish about their pointless day while you tried to work. They also tried to invite themselves home with you for the weekend, as well as bringing up living together in second year at the end of Fresher’s week. When they finally, finally got the hint that you couldn’t stand them, they badmouthed you to your flatmates. Now, you rant to your friends about how awful they were, but also feel a weird sense of nostalgia that they gave you so much to talk about.

 

The Mirage lived in your flat in Fresher’s Week – they attended pres, got a fun amount of drunk and generally seemed pretty sound. But all of a sudden, they were nowhere to be seen; there was no answer when anyone knocked on the door, and a couple of days later an exchange student moved in in their place.

You realised they snaked your flat and moved out without saying a word to anyone. Weeks later, you spied them on a night out having an absolute belter, and even though you greeted each other like old pals, deep down you harboured a deep loathing for them, because they escaped your weird flatmates and you didn’t.


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