Every type of housemate you’ll inevitably live with in Newcastle
One of these will be you
As nice as it is to believe that you and your friends are all special little snowflakes, the likelihood is you can probably be reduced to a limited number of stereotypes and categories that fully encompass your quirks and deepest thoughts.
There’s only a finite number of combinations you can make from these stereotypes to form a house, but that doesn’t mean you won’t love living with your pre-mixed selection of mates.
Here are all the people you’ll be spending the best years of you life living with.
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The Surrey Girl
Illustration by Morgan Harries
She rolled up to Castle Leazes on the first day in her brand new Polo and her life has pretty much continued on that level from there.
Newcastle, one of the most Northern cities, is somehow filled exclusively with gals from the South who group together to form identical masses of black skinny jeans and messy blonde hair. Occasionally, one will branch out with a new pair of ASOS patterned flairs for a night in Tup Tup which she will Instagram religiously and turn into a profile pic with 150+ likes.
Her face always flawless and you can’t understand how a girl who eats chips after every night out still has abs like hers – tanned, of course, from her last family holiday to the Maldives. She goes through life as if it’s something enjoyable rather than the soul-crushing, dream-destroying schlep that the rest of us know it as.
You resent her for all of this, but she lets you get in on her Ocado orders, so you’re great friends.
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The Club Promoter
Illustration by Morgan Harries
Always a bit drunk, always a bit on edge, always trying to promote you stuff.
Obviously you met them while living in Leazes where they got approached during Freshers to rep for Stage 1, and haven’t looked back since. When they’re not talking about Club Trop or Swingers they’re actually a pretty good laugh, but since that never happens you wouldn’t know.
When it comes to nights out though they do shine, and living with them means you’ll always be the first to know about the biggest new nights happening in the Toon. Going out with them guarantees you to make at least 20 new “friends” and if anyone’s going to accidentally get you onto Geordie Shore it’s them.
Their contagious love of life won’t last till morning though as they’ll be huddled up on the sofa, surrounded by their day’s supply of Munchies and gazing listlessly at Storage Hunters. It’s best not to approach them during the daylight hours.
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The Medic
Illustration by Morgan Harries
You can hardly call it living with them since they’ll never be in the house, but this is a key group of people you’ll occasionally bump into in Newcastle – probably outside their old haunting ground of Marris House.
They’re clean, they’re efficient, they’re great with paper cuts.
They do make coming home from nights out less fun as you have to tiptoe around, trying to make your cheese toastie in silence in case your overly zealous grabbing of a plate produces an angry tirade blaming you for waking them at such an unearthly hour. They have labs all day tomorrow and they’re dissecting a pig’s oesophagus – can you please show some respect.
However, when they go hard, they go hard. Forget anything you ever knew about alcohol units and limits, it all goes out the window when the medics are on the lash. They’ll still be out when you wake up the next morning, but the evidence of their mental night will be all over the house in the form of biology themed shot glasses.
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The Rugby Lad
Illustration by Morgan Harries
Half your conversations will revolve around their training regime and exactly how many kilograms of chicken they ate for dinner last night and the rest will be spent trying to convince you to let them host the next team pres. They beg you with promises that ‘it’ll be a tame one’ and ‘we’ll be out by 11’.
You know they won’t be. You know there will be vomit in the shower.
If they do make it out after their not initiation/ initiation ceremony you’ll find them in Flares, screaming “how’s that” into each other’s faces as they down yards of Carlsberg before throwing it back up onto themselves because no human body can withstand that much liquid at one time.
But for all their grossness they are great to live with, entertaining you with crazy stories of their last condiments themed social and giving all-engulfing cuddles on hungover Sunday afternoons.
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The Arts Student
Illustration by Morgan Harries
Despite their reputation for cultural snobbishness and pretentious speeches, arts students make great housemates because their dire lack of lectures means they’re always around for a chat.
You’ll probably find them at home, designing a new installation for MSA or planning another spoken word night inspired by Tsar Nicholas II’s reign.
If they’re not already in the house you can probably find them at Quilliam Brothers getting massively over-excited about the new flavour of loose leaf they can drink whilst watching a Coen brothers film.
You’re going to be spending a lot of time there, so make sure it’s special
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The Antisocial Ghost
Illustration by Morgan Harries
You think you live with them but you can’t be sure.
You haven’t seen them in weeks and their kitchen shelves seem untouched, but the occasional patter of feet on the landing assures you they do in fact exist.
Every now and then you make the trip up to their room, which is inevitably the one at the furthest end of the house, and tentatively knock on their door. Nine times out of ten there will be no answer and you can retreat back downstairs, safe in the knowledge that you at least tried.
The one time they actually answer you’ll be filled with a sense of excitement and dread akin to Indiana Jones opening the Lost Ark. But when they do finally open the door there will be no face-melting for you, only your very ordinary housemate asking what you’ve interrupted their nap for. You realise that you genuinely checked on them to make sure they were still alive.
