All the desperate ways to make money quick instead of asking your parents

Have the sperm bank saved on speed dial


Christmas has gotten you deep into your overdraft with its promises of cute presents and ice skating at Somerset House, but now it’s over and all that’s left is a cold, dark January and a heart full of regrets.

You thought your loan would sort you out but it’s less than a month in and you’ve already blown most of it on take-aways and sales shopping.

Here are all the desperate ways you’ll try to get money instead of giving up and calling your parents.


Don’t want to rely on your parents for all your finances? 

Click here to earn money and get paid within 24 hours with GIG


No risk match betting 

Described on one website as “completely legal, risk free, tax free, and anyone can do it.” Not quite believable.

Become a door-to-door fundraiser

If you feel like you’re a terrible person then why not try to recover your karma by trudging up and down Hackney’s backstreets in the rain to raise money for charity. Of course, if you were a truly good person you’d do it for free and not siphon off a chunk of people’s donations for your own personal gain – but we can’t all be saints.

Applicants should be enthusiastic, energetic and good at dealing with rejection. Form a queue please.

Sperm banks

They don’t do too many background checks and it’s a pretty enjoyable process.

There’s a slight risk of bumping into someone you know in there, but getting paid £35 for jacking one off makes it a risk worth taking.

However, not knowing if your sperm went on to produce a daughter and not having a clue what she looks like will make sleeping with 18-year-olds when you’re 40 a lot less to brag about.

Egg donation

If you’re unable to produce sperm then you’re probably a girl and can’t make money from simply reading some sexy magazine. You’ve got to go under the needle to get money from your reproductive resources. The struggle continues.

Egg donation pays well, £750 per cycle to be exact, but it’s a long drawn out process that involves changing your hormone cycles and a whole lot of injections.


You don’t have to give a stranger your future child to earn money

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Online surveys

These have the reputation of being boring, futile and endless.

You can find them in the junk folder of your inbox or on Gumtree but be careful when reading the wording of the payment details.

They take all your personal details and two hours of your life only for you to discover your payment isn’t money but vouchers. VOUCHERS.

Naughty webcamming 

There’s always the risk you’ll end up on the other end of a chat with a distant family member. Or on the amateur section of a porn site.

Become a YouTube blogger 

If you want a surefire way to make everyone hate you and irrevocably dent your self-esteem start a YouTube channel.

The first step to earning money from YouTube is having a large subscriber base, so if you’re new to it then give this step two to three years. Your video has to have at least 5,000 views to be able to earn the dollar.

Once you’ve got a massive audience the money comes rolling in, with videos earning between $5 and $80 dollars (£4 – £65) for every 20,000 views they receive.

It’s not the quickest method but there are plenty of self-hating genres to choose from. Whether it’s performing a puppet show that breaks the fourth wall or starting a verbal blog in response to current events, you can guarantee the comments will be horrible.

Sell your stuff on eBay

On paper it’s a great idea to get rid of all your clutter and make some spare cash. Loading the descriptions and photos takes five seconds and you can make a sweet cut on the cost of postage.

But in reality no one wants to buy your faded denim cut offs in January or a bumper bundle of sharpies with three shades of blue missing. Anything they might actually be interested in buying you are categorically not willing to give up.

 


You don’t have to sell your favourite jeans to pay the bills

Check out GIG for an easy way to earn money


Recycle drink cans 

Because there’s nothing more demeaning than scouring the car parks of supermarkets looking for people’s used cans that they’ve thoughtlessly discarded on the floor.

If you can find a recycling centre near you – there are over 300 across the UK – you can earn between 40 and 50p a pop.

However, the knowledge that you’re doing something vaguely good for the planet doesn’t warm your fingers enough to make picking up the scraps of aluminium any easier.

Rent your uni room to people shooting a film

Heads up, it’s probably a porno.

Babysit bratty kids 

It’s all fun and games getting paid to eat biscuits and watch TV, but then the kids wake up and you have to entertain them with hours of fun and games.

Tutor bratty kids

If babysitting children isn’t enough to make you want to become infertile, try tutoring instead.

Put an advertisement on gumtree and you’ll find a swarm of desperate North London parents clambering to have their kid tutored by a higher education student.

Children who need tutoring are either not very bright or have very very pushy parents, both of which are going to make your life a living hell. Get ready for a world of non verbal reasoning, SATs and regret.


There are other ways to earn money than dealing with difficult kids

Click here to find jobs that you’ll actually enjoy


Cleaning other people’s houses

If you’re willing to clean damp hair out of a stranger’s plug hole you could find yourself earning £8 – £9.40 an hour.

Clinical drug trials 

Firstly, there’s a 50 per cent chance you’ll get a placebo, in which case you’re being paid to take sugar tablets and have nurses take your pulse every other week.

Secondly, the chances are you’re not actually going to die. You might feel a bit ill, maybe lose feeling in your extremities – worst case scenario you’ll develop a permanent twitch. But hey, isn’t that worth two grand?

Sexting 

Can you believe people will actually pay you to do that? And since they’re paying you you might even get a reply this time.

According to sexy websites there are plenty of people “willing to pay good money just to talk with a stranger and let out all the things they fantasise about.”

There’s no telling what kind of freaky stuff you’ll be confronted with, things that might haunt your dreams for months to come or open up a whole new fetish for you to explore.

Just sign up online and you could be getting paid a sweet 20p per dirty message you send.


GIG is an app that helps you to find jobs near you and get paid within 24 hours

They have a huge selection of jobs so you can find the perfect one to suit you

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