Every single sign that you’re completely over Fresher’s

UoB has barely been back a month, and if you're in first year, the party has just begun – life is good and you're probably loving what the diet of leftover cheesy chips and Tesco basics vodka is doing for you.

But for the rest of us, nothing could sound worse than stopping out on Broad Street till the early hours – those 4am kebabs aren't quite as appetizing as they seemed this time last year. Face the facts: it's officially time embrace your Grandma-like tendencies. So, delete the Fatsoma app (you’ll be thrilled to be free of those irritating notifications) and get your biscuits and blankets out, because here's how to officially spot those signs that you’re getting too old to drag yourself to Stues every week.

You watch Instagram stories with zero jealousy

Gone are the days of sitting in bed scrolling through social media with night out envy, yearning to be in Rosie’s, screaming along to Mr Brightside. No, you’re sat cosy under a blanket, blissfully watching The Chase while your housemates play a heated card game, deciding if 10pm is really too early to retire to bed. Maybe one night, if you’re really feeling daring, you’ll be inspired to trade your nightly hot chocolate for a pint at The Goose. Or maybe not.

Braving Freshers for the second time round

You’ve – finally – traded style for comfort

It’s still early in the year, so maybe you haven’t quite reached the pyjamas-to-lecture levels yet. But first year you would be shocked (and jealous) that you’ve finally given in and are rocking up to your 1pm seminar in a lovely baggy jumper and leggings. Mildly civilised hour or not, you’re too tired for jeans.

You have considered applying for Gogglebox with your housemates

There was a lengthy discussion about the pros and cons of putting all the time sat on the sofa watching TV to good use. It probably concluded when someone realised you’d all have to look presentable and the idea didn’t sound so appealing anymore. Instead, you’ll stick to entertaining just yourselves with a detailed analysis of Tess and Claudia’s – questionable – outfits on Strictly and bets on who’s going to drop their cake on Bake Off.

always got to have a competitive card game on the go

You are cold. All the time.

Most important lesson of second year – being warm inside is an expensive desire. Fluffy socks are a necessity, paired with a coat that you are happy to pretty much live in. Turning the heating off is particularly necessary if you want to enjoy The Apprentice every week guilt free. Would love Lord Sugar to subsidise our bills please!

my second year summarised so far

You roll your eyes at freshers in the library

It doesn’t matter that you were once as naïve as they are. You now realise that first years are on your turf, taking up your seats, chatting in your quiet zones. No time wasted feeling guilty that you did the exact same thing (erm – sorry about that, we get it now) – instead you channel that guilt into pointed sighs and eye rolls. Take it from me freshers, enjoy your youth and leave the seats and the stress for us.

get your fresher hands off my books pls