America First, UoB Second?
Donald, we get that America comes first but can we ask for UoB to come second?
As part of a movement against Trumpism (yes, that’s a word now), the website Every Second Counts was created. As Trump asks for the US to come first, introduction videos on the website shows countries asking to be number two in the President’s priorities.
UoB wanted to join the movement and take matters into our own hands. So, can UoB be second?
The Netherlands started the movement, which has now spread to every continent except America (obviously). Countries like Australia, Armenia, Belgium, Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Finland, Germany, Iceland, Italy, Iran, Israel, India, Lithuania, Morocco, Namibia, New Zealand, Portugal, Slovakia, Spain and Switzerland and many more have all participated in the race to be #2.
So, Mr. President, this is an introduction text about the University of Birmingham. We’re tremendous, trust me. And here’s all the reasons why we should be your number 2:
We have the tallest free-standing clock tower in the world
Yes, in the world. It’s called Old Joe and it reminds every student on campus how late we constantly are for everything in our lives. It’s so great that it’s inspired Hollywood (Monsters University, anyone?). And don’t worry, Donald, it’s so big that everyone’s hands look small in comparison, not just yours, I promise.
We are the ONLY university in the country with its own train station
Not that you would ever step on a train but you know for all of us non-millionaires who actually know Global Warming is real and care about the environment – it’s amazing.
We have a female President
It may be your worst nightmare, Mr. President, but a woman is in charge of our Guild of Students. But hey, no need to fear, Donald. The elections are this week so just get Russia to hack and leak a few emails and the problem will solve itself.
We’re part of the Redbrick Russell Group
We’re part of the elite, I’m sure you can relate to that. Oh, and don’t worry, your tan will match our bricks perfectly.
We were the first uni to provide a women’s halls
In the earliest 1900s, UoB was the first uni to open a hall of residence for women. We believe in equality and all that. Wait… is that going to be problem? Forget this one, Donald.
We embrace diversity
More than 5000 of our students are international, just like your wives no. one and three. And we love it.
We have a great tower
You might have the Trump Towers but we have the Muirhead Tower. Yeah… Maybe you win this one.
We have Fab
Do I actually need to say anything? It’s called Fab ’n’ Fresh – I think that says it all. It’s the best student night around, trust me. It’s great, really. Get Donald to Fab.
We have The Tab Birmingham
We are against fake news. The Tab is the media to trust on this side of the Atlantic. We will always tell the truth about you, don’t you worry.
Our Business School is the oldest in the country
As the very very successful and very very old businessman that you are, I’m sure you can appreciate this.
We’re Not On
As you said Donald, there’s no one in the world that respects women more than you, really. So, you’d probably like the Not On campaign ran by our Guild. We’ll send you some informative leaflets for you to grab, you’ll love it.
We had a march for you
The haters will say that it was against you but that’s fake news, don’t worry. It was ALL about you, Mr. President.
So, Donald, we totally understand that America comes first from now on. But can we just say UoB second?
Thank you for considering us.