Things you’ll know if you lived in Kent

Are you a Kentish man, or a man of Kent?

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In case you didn’t know, Kent is that place someone called “that bit just below London” when they introduced themselves during freshers.

It’s full of fields, farms, and a bunch of common experiences and knowledge that the Tab has collected in one handy article just for you. Without further ado, here are some things you’ll know if you lived in Kent:

Your typical 4×4 driver isn’t a farmer, but a middle-class woman living in an urban area  

She probably tries to justify owning one in an area where all the roads are paved and well looked after by saying she needs it for taking the dogs for walks, or for picking her kids up from school. She doesn’t, and you’ll probably see her struggling to park it in Tunbridge Wells where she’s meeting her friends for “a coffee and a natter”.

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But was it worth the 20 minutes it took you to park, Linda?

Someone you know rides a horse

Kent, being full of fields, is also full of people who ride horses. You’ll definitely remember someone from your school who went riding, probably because it’s all they ever talked about.

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You okay, hun?

At least one person you know has a fit mum

She’s probably wealthy enough to have paid for an incredible boob job or at least some fancy cosmetics. She spends half her life in Zumba classes, and the other going to pick up her kids from school in her expensive sports gear and a posh pair of sunglasses. You find it depressing that she’s in her forties and is in better physical shape than you.

There’s nothing there really is there

If you had a gilet, you were the shit

It’s Monday morning, someone went on a shopping trip with their mum over the weekend and saunters into school with a fresh gilet from Jack Wills. Everyone loses their minds.

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The only brand of choice

You probably went to a grammar school

Kent is one of the few counties that still has grammar schools, and as a result, they cram as many as they possibly can into every single town ever. You probably went to one, and as a result hate all the students from your rival school with a passion.

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Reppin’ the uniform 4eva x x

If you don’t have a car, or know someone with a car, you are trapped forever

Public transport in Kent is basically awful, particularly if you live in a rural area. There’s only so many lifts you can beg off your parents, so if you actually want to have a social life, you have a few options: wait an hour for the bus, desperately attempt to pass your test as soon as you turn 17, or befriend someone with a car.

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Probably doesn’t help when the driver’s asleep in the back

Going out can be tricky

If you live near a town, this might actually be alright for you. If not, it’s either 40 quid for a taxi, forcing a friend to let you stay the night, or attempting to blag a lift. When the weekend hits, so do the “is anyone doing lifts tonight?” statuses.

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We may be smiling, but we’re all secretly wishing Uber existed in Kent

The first time you got drunk was probably in a field

You slept in a tent, and you had a shit time. It was better than Fusion though, and at least you didn’t have to fork out London prices for your drink.

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Where are all the drunk kids though?

People have a thing for calling their dogs posh names

You probably know someone with a dog called something like Scout or Fenton. It’s probably a purebred. That person also buys all their dog food from that shop in Sevenoaks that sells gluten free options, and rattan water bowls.

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This dog is probably vegan

If it snows, the world ends

An inch of snow in Kent often means you are trapped inside for days. A lot of people live in the arse end of nowhere, so everything shuts down. You don’t even need to listen to the radio to find out if your school is shut, because it definitely is.

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After being completely cut off from the rest of humanity, it comes to this

All in all though, it doesn’t really matter what you think of Kent. No matter how good your grad job is you’ll probably never be able to afford to live here again.