An apology letter to myself

We’ve all done cringe things we regret

advice alcohol birmingham Birmingham Uni brum fashion selly oak the tab brum university of birmingham youngerme

If we could erase some of the cringe-worthy moments (and there are many) from our permanent history and eradicate their existence entirely, we’d all do it. Some things I did as a teenager were never cool, from uploading singing videos on youtube (I was that girl) to the constant Facebook status updates, there are a number of things I wish I could advise my younger self.

There are wiser ways of living, and if the younger me had actually seen this, maybe life would be filled with less grief  and less of those ‘OMG EMMA DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU…’ moments that we all just despise. So here goes nothing.

 

Dear the younger Emma, here are a few pointers to get you through high school:

  1. Broadcasting a message from a ‘friend’ on BBM won’t make him want to message you. Nor will adding an smiley face into your display name

‘He waited 45 minutes to reply to me, so I’m going to wait 4 hours’

Oh. the. grief.

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 15.44.47

‘Anyone chat?’ *insert forgotten blackberry emoji*

2. ‘Linking’ was VERY real, but it’s not

‘No, no seriously, he isn’t my boyfriend, we’re just linking’.

 

3. Stop with the horrendous poses

After one too many tequila shot you’ll end up defaulting into that awful backwards peace sign at pre’s and look like you’re flipping the V all night. There’s really no coming back from this.

263115_10150704888235296_6816360_n

SQUUUUUAD

 

4. Please NEVER update your Facebook status with bizarre quotes, especially not along the lines of ‘I can forgive but I’ll never forget’ *insert <3 <3 <3*

Quoting that Taylor Swift lyric at the time might have been cool. But be warned; it’ll be drudged up five years later by a bunch of facebook terrorising housemates and you will WISH that you weren’t so quick with the keyboard.

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 15.56.04

 

 

5. Doc martens in bright pink aren’t cool

Alongside the many other fashion faux-pas you made (basically,  the mini dress and leggings craze from New Look has to go too) this is one of my more regrettable.  No, you don’t look ‘tumblr’ in them

29521_442192344534_953002_n

 

6. No smiling with your braces

Seems inoffensive enough but you actually defined the term metal-mouth. That’s no good for self-confidence. No need to elaborate on this.

 

7. You’ll have to actually wait for a taxi company in these pre-dynastic uber-less days

Half the time your taxi won’t turn up. They also loved to charge whatever they wanted for the journey,

‘Yes that’ll be 29.60 please’

‘But you only took me down two roads…?’

10400133_114381754534_4175678_n

We all cough up the cash anyway cos vodka made you careless

 

8. You never physically own anyone’s MySpace picture even when you say ‘Omg bbz you look so fit!!! I own this’

Hey, remember that smiley guy, Tom? (Miss you Tom)

 

9. Hair accessories/bows were cooler when your mum put them in your hair age 5

As for that dip-dye job, lets leave that in the past too

3491_10151503563894535_134769583_n

Leave the minnie mousing to disney

 

10. The multi coloured photobooth picture of you is not profile picture standard and neither is the photo shoot you and your mate had in a bush

*poses seductively whilst holding a branch*

1929978_14679459534_9395_n

 

11. House party = drinking Glenn’s vodka in a garden with one shitty speaker all night whilst the boy you’ve been chirpsing gets with another girl on the trampoline

‘Queue upload of pissed off Facebook status along the lines of ‘you really screwed up this time’

 

12. You need to tone the orange level down by 3000, you look like a walking wotsit 

ENOUGH WITH THE HOOLA

1931319_1050418949688_7937_n

 

14. Going to Magaluf does not justify wearing as minimal clothing as possible

Yes you are away from your parents for the first time on a mad one with the girls, no this does not mean it is acceptable to walk out your hostel half dressed, as your grandpa would say:

‘that looks like a belt not a skirt!’

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 18.55.13

 

15. Speaking of Magaluf, keeping on those clubbing bracelets for over a month is going to give you the worst possible tan line you could ever imagine

Not so cool now, are you?

12670745_10154736318494535_7225535398110705507_n

The worst thing was when work told you to cut them off

 

16. You are actually cool for having Akon on your pink Motorola flip phone before anyone else

Yeah my cousin sent it to me, no sorry my bluetooth isn’t working so I can’t send you it.

B0016J9U8C-moto-v3-pink

 

17. Take your friend home before she passes out of too much alcohol and stop saying ‘she’ll be ok she just needs water’ before she does

Lets be honest, what she didn’t need was the extra bottle of gin she nicked from her parents alcohol cabinet. *raving it up ignoring ill person sitting on bean bag behind*

314238_10151464094884535_403475860_n

‘Go get your own drink!’

 

18. Your only FOMO is seen through one form of social media, Facebook 

Believe it or not, you did actually once live without Snapchat, no one knew the fun you were having nor did you get to piss everyone off with your 200 second snap story.

 

Oh the good ol’ days.