How much does it cost to fit in at Birmingham?

Tuition fees aside, there are a lot of expenses you need to cough up if you want to truly fit in here at UoB.  We’ve made a list of just a few so you can send this to your parents to show why you need them to send you more money because they want you to be cool, right?

MacBook: £749

As long as it’s got the Apple logo on it, fellow students won’t care what you’re typing on, so you might as well go for the cheapest MacBook for a bargain £749. Look around you next time you’re in a lecture, the library or the Mason Lounge- are you ashamed of your PC yet? Better leave it at home next time if you really want to fit in.

No PCs here

An artsy pint at the Bristol Pear: £3.40

If you’ve come to the Pear for a pint of Carling, you might as well turn around and leave before you even get to the bar.  The Pear is the coolest pub in Selly and you don’t want to be seen anywhere else if you want the ‘Brum vibe,’ but it’s all  about edgy and craft beers that you’ve never heard of since its refurb.  If you want a Stella, go to the S’Oak; you’ll have to pay more for a weird tasting beer if you don’t want to be confused with a local.

Unnecessary sports hoodie: £30

For that sports club that you’re definitely a part of and play for all the time.  This is not just ‘kit’ at Birmingham, this is a conscious fashion decision.  Don’t just wear it on the days you have sport, wear this everyday so everyone knows how sporty and cool you are and also so everyone in Selly knows you go to UoB.  In case this wasn’t obvious.  (It’s very obvious).

Don it in the Goose to get the locals even more wound up about “bloody students ruining the community” or the S’Oak for a ‘candid post-uni pint’ even though you’ve been at home for hours with plenty of time to change.

Did I tell anyone that I do sports? No?  Well I do sports.

Regular return tickets to the South: £65

One of the best things about living in Selly is getting out of Selly and going back home.  And if one thing unites the majority of Brum students, it’s our Southern roots.  Nine times out of ten, the question “Where are you from?” will be answered with either London, the Home Counties or the South West.  Basically, any town south of Birmingham has at least one inhabitant at UoB.  And because none of us can make it on our own, you’ll catch us going home at regular intervals to be fed and watered, all at a cost (that hopefully your mum will pay for).

SO. MANY.

Roosters: £3.50

If you haven’t had at least three Roosters this semester do you even go here?  The Mecca of Selly Oak, drunken pilgrims congregate here every night, every day if you’re hardcore.  Every time someone dares admit to never having had one, a gasp of disbelief is emitted from every Selly resident. Are you serious?  What have you been playing at?  Your friends will question if they know or even like you any more. This is the seriousness of your crime.

Yum

Small French car: Around £4,500 (used)

A walk down any of the Selly roads reveals that the car of choice for student drivers here at Birmingham is either the Citroen C1 or Peugeot 107. I’m not really sure because they both look the same.  Basically, you’ll need to drive a small French car, preferably red. Two fingers for every one you see parked on Dawlish Road on your way to Fab this Saturday guarantees to see your “one for the road” finished within about five minutes and you about three times more wasted than you expected.

This was the first of at least nine

Boiling water from the library: 20p

Because we’ll spend hundreds on tech and pints but we refuse to pay £1.25 for a small cup of tea.  That is just extortionate.

 Weekly Fab ticket: £5

“What are you up to this weekend?” is an irrelevant question around here.  You’re obviously going to Fab, and if you’re not, you’re as irrelevant as that question.  Until recently, no one expected you to go every Saturday but now Fab centurion Suzi McFall has proven it’s possible and the race is on to break her record, so add this to your list of weekly outgoings.

QUEEN

Possibly dead cactus: £6

No Selly kitchen is complete without a cactus or other low maintenance plant.   When you picked it up from the plant sale in university square at the start of first year to brighten up your drab Maple Bank kitchen, you didn’t expect for it to form the backdrop of your whole uni career, but here we are three years later.  You haven’t watered it once, and those dodgy coloured flowers have stayed in bloom this whole time leading you to question its authenticity, but hey for £6 you can’t go wrong.

I think that gaping hole might be trying to tell you something

Obligatory statement flag/wall hanging: £20 (or equivalent in Thai baht)

Admit it, there’s a large piece of material hanging on your wall right now that has little to no bearing on who you are.  But that’s okay, it’s all part of being a Brum student and trying to create an image of ourselves as really well traveled and that’s as far away as possible from the reality of our semi-detached Surrey selves.

Not from Surrey or Australia

Total: £5,382.10