Vote: What’s the worst club in Birmingham?

Let’s decide this once and for all then never go there again

birmingham club no selly selly oak the tab brum vote worst yes

Brum is home to some amazing nights out but, if we’re being honest, there’s a few appalling ones too. From the sweaty, to the expensive, to the downright awful – they’ll leave you crying into your takeaway at 1:30AM.

But which establishment deserves to win The Tab’s most prestigious title of the Worst Club in Birmingham?


Ffs is it too late to go to vodbull guys?

If “Mason wankers” were a club this would be it. Who wants to go somewhere where it costs you a small fortune for a drink? Where are the cheap VKs and jaeger bombs? Where is the fun? Checking your bank balance after a heavy night here to find out you’ll have to live solely on Weetos for the next week is just not ideal. After so many nights out in your worn out, comfy converses having to dress up fancy is also a bit of a shock. After all, who wants to rock up to Roosters in a bodycon dress and five inch heels? No one.


Wavy x

Ouse is the home of suspicious looking jaws, lollipops and glitter. You’ll know whose been to Ouse from the compulsory Instagram post the next day featuring several people clutching water bottles and looking completely out of it (captioned with several emojis and hashtags for full effect).



Sure, it’s fun the first few nights in Freshers. It’s new, exciting and much bigger than any club at home. What’s not to like? But soon enough, you begin to realise that you spend the majority of your nights here wandering around alone and wondering if you’d ever see daylight again. There’s too many weird corridors, too many people, it’s just TOO BIG. In fact, there’s probably some BCU fresher that’s been trapped in there ever since it closed.


Omg it’s the stig

Players is that one club you have the biggest love-hate relationship with. You promise yourself you won’t go again this week but gone 6pm and you’ve already done the “need four Stuesdays tickets” plea on Facebook. You have high expectations but end up let down and taxiing it back at 2AM every time. It’s essentially paying £5 to wrestle to music. It’s too hot, too crowded and too sweaty and expect an elbow to the face at least once. On top of that you always end up losing either your ID/phone/some possession and have do a tragic post on the Fab N Fresh page the next morning.


Before it all went downhill

Two people got shot and another got stabbed here in the same night. That says it all really.


How do we get out?

Popworld is essentially the other end of the spectrum. You went here once in Carnage and have dark, dark memories. It’s reminiscent of your primary school disco days. It’s just too cheesy. The only people that ever go are hen parties or Freshers that have been sadly misinformed.


Snobs is that night that nobody seems to have any recollection of. You’ve probably narrowly avoided falling off the stage after singing along to enthusiastically to Come on Eileen at one point. It’s a weird mix of students and locals.

You’re not quite sure what to make of the sunken area either, knowing that everyone at the bar can see your questionable post-10-jaeger-bombs dancing. If you dislike personal space, clean shoes and vomiting over yourself – Snobs is the place for you.


No other club has caused students quite as much stress as Fab. You nearly cry upon finding out that the Drinks 2 Go man doesn’t have any tickets left and soon realise that you’re going to have to sell your soul on the group to get one. Come Saturday afternoon and it’s like a full on Hunger Games scenario. Plus, you can guarantee there’s always that one dickhead trying to sell their ticket for a tenner. The walk there is always freezing cold and you’ve narrowly avoided being run over at least once on Bristol Road. You wake up the next morning smelling like VKs, Roosters and regrets.

Despite all this, you know you’ll be back again next week.