What’s your most embarrassing sex story?

That sexy, sensual night you’ve been building up to can sometimes turn out to be a massive flop. But if there’s ever any advice to take about what not to do, it’s from our very own Selly residents.

Amy

I had started seeing this guy and during sex, we decided to change positions, shaking it up. As I came up from missionary position, he hadn’t moved his head and we sort of nutted each other. I felt wet all under my nose and I knew I was having a nosebleed and was trying to dash to the bathroom, but could barely see as the light was off. After managing to sort myself out, I put the light on and blood had like spattered all over his bed sheets. Needless to say, that was the end of that session.

Jack

This girl I was seeing had some obscure kinky interests, to which I was not aware of until she came round one night. I opened the door and she literally was holding this silicon dildo up and said to me “Netflix and chill?” We had started to engage in some cheeky foreplay, but it started to go downhill from there. We decided to change it up a bit and as we were swinging round to 69, she decided to shove the dildo we were using up my bum. Nice. Can I also add it was not lubed.

Chloe

For some utter bizarre reason, I thought this would be a good idea. Bloody hell was I wrong…

I think it was when the second Hunger Games film was released, my boyfriend and I wanted to have a chilled day to celebrate six months being together. We sat at the back and waited for the film to start. I was trying to be kinky and turn him on a little as I knew he would have to wait about two hours before we could do anything more, so I started to touch his crotch a little and before you know it, he’s giving me the nod to go down. Anyway, I agree and just as the intro starts, I hear a young girl’s voice say something like “mom look”. I get up and see my old teacher taking her daughter to the cinema.

Naomi

Doggy style and missionary are the two worst positions for this: the female fanny fart. I hate it. We were mid-doggy style and he pulled out ,and then my nunny decided to let one go. It was a proper loud one as well, like he genuinely thought I had properly farted. I lept across the bed and buried myself in the duvet. I just wanted to sink into the ground. I did not blow him away.

Harry

One of my mates had brought this girl back from sports night and I had no idea they were in his room at the time. I needed to quickly grab something from his room – ironically it was The Hairy Biker’s Meat Feasts recipe book. I walked in on him going down on this girl, proper spread eagle, and I just remember him looking up and saying “safe” and I went in, grabbed the book and fist bumped him as I left. It’s a story we’ll probably tell the kids.

Lucy

I was on holiday and sharing a room with my sister and we both got drunk with this boy I had met and was interested in. She was fast asleep, we sort of both woke up and he started to leave. I told him I wanted him to stay, so one thing led to another and we started getting off. This somehow evolved into me giving him head to then conclude with sex, plus the most silent orgasm I could manage. Yep, I had sex in the same bed as my sister and she was not bloody pleased about it either. I think she’s still scarred.

Isabelle

Last day of your period is never the “last day”. The lights were off and I think he just thought I was generally excited for a cheeky quick one. I thought the same to be fair. It wasn’t until we had finished that we turned the light on and realised that I had bled over the bed, on his penis and it was all over our stomachs. He was a little weirded out as it looked like a murder had taken place, but we still talk occasionally haha.

Cameron

I was really trying to impress this girl, so I invited her round to my house and was giving her a grand tour. I was showing her my dad’s car and she asked me whether it was mine. I could’ve just told her the truth but I could see how impressed she was by the Aston Martin, so I said yes. Next thing I know, she’s dragging me into it and stripping us both. Sadly, it was short lived as my dad opened the garage door and stopped my semi. To top it off, the lube on the condom had gone on the suede seats. There was no lad’s holiday for me that summer.

Alex

I start giving this girl the eye on the dance floor, she starts to smile back and makes the move towards me. We dance for a bit and my mates are giving it large. She pulls me towards the toilets, by this point I’d down a couple of Jägerbombs and felt pretty awesome. She drags me into the girls toilets and the thought of getting kicked out crosses my mind but becomes a bit of a turn on. I start fingering her a bit and she starts to rub my balls. I then flip her round and she stops me and asks about a condom. I wasn’t carrying one on me, so she goes out into the toilets and buys one from like a condom vending machine thing. If that wasn’t a turn off enough, the girl leaves the door wide open with my trousers by my ankles plus a semi boner. The one girl that walked in at this time happened to be a girl I went to school with at the time. She never seemed to be able to look me in the eye during lunch times ever again really.