Which STI is which hall?

There are two things most students have experienced: Living in halls and getting an STI.

But despite the obvious connections these university experiences share, no one has ever thought to bring the two together. Until now.

Here’s our definitive guide to which STI best suits each hall.

Maple Bank – Hepatitis B

The following are the symptoms of Hepatitis: vomiting, body aches and dizziness. Sounds a lot like my memories of Maple Bank. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Maple Bank, but a substantial amount of my time there was spent with my head over a toilet… which still smelt better than the rest of my flat.

Maple Bank could also be HIV, because although it may not kill you directly, those exposed to its nocturnal side tend not to last very long.

Liberty Halls (formerly Hunter’s) – Genital Warts

Okay, so calling Genital Warts an STI is a little misleading.

Sure they’re unsightly and are transferred though sex, but they’re nowhere near on par with some of the nasties you’re likely to pick up on the Vale.

And to be honest, much of the same could be said for Liberty Court- to call this distant pile of mortar “student accommodation” is similarly ambiguous.

There are more students in the local corner shop then there are in Liberty, and therefore it seems this ugly molestation is definitely in need of another once over.

Victoria Halls – Chlamydia

It’d be hard for something this close to Selly Oak not to be Chlamydia.

Selly Oak spreads Chlamydia faster than Holly from Geordie Shore spreads her legs.

And, incidentally, almost as fast as Holly from Geordie Shore spreads Chlamydia.

The good news is that Chlamydia is mostly harmless. Like Victoria Halls, it’s just sort of there.

Aitken – Trichmoniasis

What the hell is Trichmoniasis? Come to think of it, what the hell is Aitken?

Mason Hall – Syphilis

Outdated, and only experienced by wealthy inbred families.

Much like Syphilis, a Masoner is one of life’s lasting unpleasantries.

No matter how hard you try to remove yourself from that niggling, irritable company, a Masoner is always likely to show their ugly face at the most inconvenient of moments.

Much like syphilis, dabbling in Mason social circles will likely haunt you for life. Better to stay well away or suffer the consequences.

Tennis Courts – Herpes

If you’re in Tennis Courts, people are going to know about it.

Lime green body paint and Frosty Jacks don’t exactly lend themselves to subtlety.

Tennis Courts are one of the loudest, proudest halls in the uni. You can always spot a Tennis Courter, whether they’re cheering at inter-halls sports, shouting on a night out or innocently chucking a badger corpse through a window.

Most friends from halls know when it’s time to behave themselves. Not Tennis Courts. If you mess with them, “that shit will come back with you.”

Pritchatt’s Park- Gonorrhea

If you managed to land Pritchatt’s as your accommodation, in many ways you’re likely to be reeling from the same ailments symptomatic of the old horror-show Gonorrhea.

It’s not the end of the world,  but nonetheless, you will be burning deep inside, scratching yourself furiously at having made such a terrible decision.

Shackleton – Crabs

Both are seemingly popular in number.

But when you really get down to looking at the numbers, both has less in their ranks than you’d expect.

Shackleton dwellers are notorious for clinging to friendship groups, but unlike Mason, they soon get the message should they no longer be welcome.