What girls really talk about in club toilets

Face it, you’re dying to know


A typical night out for a guy usually consists of predrinks, followed by a few hours drunken dancing and boozing in the club before grabbing a takeaway and a taxi home.

But for girls, there is one part of the night that features so heavily, it’s almost a night out on its own: the club toilets.

Ever wanted to know what’s really said behind that sacred door in Players? Look no further.

Sex Talk

Not surprisingly, the most common bathroom topics are mainly about boys. And sex.

Perhaps more surprising was a personal encounter recounted by one student, who distinctly recalls stumbling upon two horny freshers at the end of the night. These two obviously couldn’t wait to get home, and instead started going at it -over the sink.

The terrified witness described her reaction as “a mix of being horrified and intrigued. I couldn’t understand how that was comfortable.”

Someone else willingly offered the pointer that “everyone turns lesbian” in the loos

Guys, while this may sound like a dream come true, it’s actually pretty boring, and mostly consists of girls who’ve only just met drunkenly cooing over each other. They lay on the compliments thick and fast, spanning everything from hair colour to thongs.

As one student put it: “We all think we look lovely, when in reality, we look like an absolute state.” This particular quote was said as she fell backwards through the toilet door.

Other highlights from the night included:

“I knew wearing a short skirt was a bad idea.”

“I need to have sex tonight.”

“Yeh I would, but he’s got such a small penis.”

Where many friendships are formed

Making Fake Friends

Another common situation in the girls’ loos: the sort-of friend encounter.

It’s pretty simple.  You bump into someone on your course, lecture or seminar group, who you don’t really know that well.

The problem is, after a few Vodbulls, you think you do. In fact, you think you’re fucking best mates.

In your inebriated state you hug, excitedly exchanging numbers in high-pitched voices and promising to get Starbucks together the very next day, only to never to talk again.

Every time you see that person from then on, you have no idea how to react.

When we asked a group of freshers, one said: “I just never know whether to smile or pretend it never happened.”

The best scenario from our night in the toilets came when we were confronted with two embracing girls, seemingly best friends.

But we quickly learned this was in fact a facade. As one left the toilets, the other turned to the rest of her friends, and simply uttered: “I hate that bitch.”

Lovely.

Mysterious coloured bottle we found on the floor

Boys… or pizza?

There might be a lot of talk about boys, but there’s one more thing on nearly every girl’s mind: the takeaway at the end of the night.

As one girl plainly put it: “Penis or Pepperoni? A lot of people would rather go home with a pizza.”

For those of us with no love life to speak of,  loo talk can simply turn into a pros and cons of Dixy’s vs Rooster’s. Simple pleasures, girls.

Other food talk included:

“I’m craving a Roosters so badly right now.”

“I can’t wait for that pizza in the freezer.”

The possibilities are endless

Angry drunks

Generally, there’s a lot of love going around in the club toilets. But there are the angry drunks too.

We all know the types. Someone starts kicking or banging on the door, screaming at you to “hurry the FUCK up’’, to the point where you genuinely fear life on the outside of the cubicle. Everyone hates those girls.

One fed-up student went as far to say: “Angry drunks are just the spawn of satan, they need to stop being so angry and let me pee in peace.”

Another shouted “hurry up you bitch”. Charming.

Boys, you don’t know how lucky you are to be in and out within two minutes (of the toilets, obviously).

This guy was nothing compared to what we witnessed

Selfie time

Guys always question what takes girls so long in the toilets.

Apart from all of the above, we’ve missed out one obvious reason. There is always, always, time for a selfie. Or twenty.

Given the incredibly moving backdrop for a photo, what with ornamental sinks and bespoke hand dryers, of course a club toilet is the perfect place for a great selfie.

We couldn’t help but laugh at one group of girls, when a member of their selfie gang noted: “We’ve been in here for 10 minutes, I’ve not even been to the toilet.”

On more occasions than we could count however, the main compliment circulating ran along the lines of “you’ve got such a great pair of boobs”, or “have your boobs grown over the summer?”- you’re all obsessed.

Always time for a selfie