Being the unfit housemate: a survival guide

There is always one housemate who would rather scoop out their own eyes with a teaspoon than go for a run.

September brings around two types of un-athletic student: the optimist who believes they will transform into the second Jessica Ennis before the year is out, and the acceptant slob who has been pro at avoiding unnecessary movement since forging notes to get out of P.E. in year seven.

Locate the lifts

If you haven’t already figured out this simple way of cutting corners and avoiding excess walking, then you really need to brush up on your game and re-think your laziness strategy. This tip will serve you well in all walks of life if you are determined to be idle.

Do not attempt to climb the library steps to the top floor. You have been warned.

Have a plan

It will take you five more minutes than it should for you to walk anywhere. Accept it. Leaving yourself ten minutes to get from your house in Selly Oak to your lecture is just irresponsible unless you want to be known as “the sweaty one.” Plan ahead.

Familiarise yourself

It is always wise to get to know enemy territory if you can. The chances are you will have to brave the Munrow centre for an exam anyway, so at least make yourself aware of it. It’s understanding that just the reek of chlorine and the drone of a treadmill is enough to break you out into a sweat, but for the sake of your degree, brave the sports centre at least once.

Brush up on your small talk

Birmingham is not a place for a friendly game. The unfortunate truth is that you will know a few sporty people and perhaps even be friends with some.

It will make your life easier if you know at least some sports terms, just to get you through a sports orientated conversation without people questioning how you managed to gather up enough brain cells to write your personal statement.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW:

Setting: The Soak on a Monday night

Sporty friend: “Who do you think will win this match?”

You: “At the end of the day, it’s a game of two halves.”

And that’s it, you are officially not socially inept when it comes to sports talk.

Invest in some dry shampoo

You are not sporty and you are not fit, but that is no reason to stay off the dance floor on a Stupid Tuesday.

While your athletic friends have stayed cool as a cucumber, you now have more sweat patches than dry patches and it’s time to hit Pit Stop for a quick kebab, then bed.

The morning after,  there is no chance of you getting up in time to wash your hair before your 9am, so just carry around some dry shampoo. You know what? Just go the whole way and take some deodorant with you too.

Accept what you don’t understand

Although you’re now a pro at sport small talk, there will always be terms you will never understand, and people who will continue to go on and on about sports despite your blatant disinterest.

So, practise your game face. Some athletes have their game face on during competition, but you have yours on during that conversation with someone from Brumski about their gap yah in Canada. Just smile, murmur and nod like you know what’s happening.

Love your sport hating nature

Not everyone loves sport, and that is perfectly okay. While your flatmate has just come back from their morning run, your arms are getting tired doing your hair. Just accept it and be okay with it, be the one who bakes stuff and you will be just as popular as your sporty friends. Then you can sit in bed eating your cakes on a Wednesday night instead of going to sports night. Being un-sporty is not boring, especially when you make cake.

Don’t actually be boring

Yeah so you aren’t boring for not being sporty, but you are boring if you don’t do anything. Go outside. Don’t worry, you won’t automatically become sporty by leaving the house.

Locate the burrito bar

You don’t have to hate sports for this tip, but it is very important. You can munch on burritos while your mates are at the rugby match, or (if you are feeling motivated) you can take your burrito to the rugby match!

Whatever happens, dropping by the university centre for a quick burrito will make your day better (get the sour cream with it.)

Don’t get ahead of yourself

If by some miracle you wake up one morning and decide you fancy going for a run round Selly, don’t then sign yourself up for the charity 10K next month. This will only end up in complete disaster and probably a trip to the nearest hospital wrapped up in foil like a Christmas turkey.