Ten ‘sports’ that aren’t sports

In a world filled with so many different sports, it’s easy to get confused over what constitutes a sport and what’s just a crappy social event.

1. Golf 

This ‘sport’ is essentially a leisurely stroll across a field and an excuse for a chat whilst wearing strange trousers.

Tiger Woods, golf’s best player, got so bored that he resorted to romping over 100 women just to try and spice things up.

It’s no surprise that people only take this sport up when they’re too old and decrepit to play/do anything meaningful.

The biggest risk a golfer faces is falling in a sandpit or a puddle. Whilst currently it may be slightly less entertaining than watching paint dry, throw in some physical combat and make good use of those clubs, and you may have added some much-needed excitement.

2. Ten-pin Bowling

An activity that requires less strenuous activity than a browse on Pornhub, any game where you roll a heavy ball at less than 5mph cannot be classed as a sport.

When you have to include bad animations or change the scoreboard names to liven things up, then it really isn’t worth the trouble.

You can class this a sport when the pins can fight back, or when overarm becomes an acceptable technique.

3. Cheerleading

A controversial one, the cause of many arguments between fathers and daughters worldwide.

Whilst you have to acknowledge the athleticism, any activity where appearance plays such a crucial role cannot be classed as a sport.

It’s just an activity with bows, lip-gloss and pom-poms. And anyway, surely being the support to American Football teams doesn’t class as actual sporting endeavour?

They’re just a team of mascots…you wouldn’t expect a football crowd to demand recognition for their synchronised arm-waving, singing and swearing, so why should Cheerleading be any different?

4. Ultimate Frisbee 

Ultimate or otherwise, any game where a dog could steal the show is not a sport.

The word ultimate just puts them in the same category as Extreme Ironing – the ‘sport’ doth protest too much, methinks…

You wouldn’t refer to Fantastic Football, Amazing Athletics or Riveting Rugby, would you!?

The Tab can actually go one better than ‘ultimate’ and unveil ‘Danger Frisbee’. Competitors must throw any disc-shaped object they can find around supermarkets before being thrown out/asked to buy them.

We recommend Aldi own-brand pizzas, Aldi own-brand plates and Aldi own-brand nut-dishes, so you only have to fork out 20p even if you are forced to pay up.

5. Fencing

Since when did we class 15th century violence as sport?

I’m all for a bit of recreational fighting now and again, but two people hopping up and down, poking each other with fake swords, dressed as bee-keepers, doesn’t qualify.

Although these are the people I’d want to be around should any trouble arise, I just can’t accept that re-enacting the Three Musketeers puts them in the same bracket as Mo Farah, Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps.

It’s no wonder they wear a mask, I’d be embarrassed too!

En garde? Balestra? Foible? Piss off!

6. Dodgeball

Apparently Dodgeball is a ‘sport’ in which players on two teams try to throw large balls at each other whilst trying to avoid being hit by the ball themselves.

This all sounds too simple to be a sport, which is perhaps why it’s so popular in the United States!

Also, anything that is more famous for being the name of a film than for its actual purpose is clearly not worth training for.

If being slapped in the face repeatedly by large balls is your kind of thing, then so be it… but I don’t think you’re playing a sport.

7. Snooker/Pool

Any sport where having a pint is a legitimate alternative to drinking water whilst playing, can’t really complain about appearing on this list.

What’s more, despite suiting up, inside, under television lights, even the professionals don’t break a sweat.

If a man with a higher body fat percentage than a Mars Bar can class himself the fifth best player in the world (see Shaun Murphy), there’s clearly not enough physical activity involved.

The fact that an old man comes to polish your balls halfway through isn’t helping the cause either…

8. Trampolining

Let’s cut the crap, everyone was trampolining at the age of 4 or 5.

You wouldn’t call playing on the swings or digging in the sandpit a sport, so why trampolining has been given the stamp is beyond me.

Oh so you can do backflips and somersaults… try stepping off the giant elastic crash net and doing the same thing – it’s called gymnastics.

When a twenty-stone goliath can project themselves higher than their athletic counterpart, you should know this trampoline stuff isn’t stacking up right.

If you want to bounce around like a twat then please feel free, but don’t try and pretend you’re competing in a sport.

9. Korfball

Although Pepsi and Coke have slightly different names and ingredients, everybody knows they are essentially the same; but of course Pepsi is still less popular, less enjoyable and overall worse.

Korfball is the Pepsi, invented to fill the gap between basketball and netball’s respective Coke and Coke Zero.  

“What gap!?” I hear you scream. Exactly.

They’ve tried to spice it up by putting a wicker basket in but really, what’s wrong with a net? In addition, its name sounds like an old man sneezing, or a word you’d use when cheating at Scrabble.

I feel like it’s fair to say that those who cannot play netball play Korfball, and those who cannot play Korfball are just generally better off.

10. Equestrian

Oh this is definitely an intense, gruelling, physical challenge… for the horse.

I’d like to see those pony ponces swap things over – I don’t think the result would be the same somehow.

Dressing up in a top hat and a blazer doesn’t add panache or style, it just reinforces the fact that you’re not actually doing anything. 

If you class sitting around on top of a horse whilst it busts a gut to jump over barriers and other such obstacles a sport, then maybe it really is time you got saddled up and mounted (bareback).

But hey, these are nowhere near as bad as the fact that they actually consider Quidditch a sport in America… No seriously, they really do.