Vote Now: Birmingham’s Worst Night Out

The Brummies are many in number, and students make up a notable proportion of that number, so one would assume the nightlife around here is top notch. Alas, no, there’s a lot of clubs that are shitty in our city. Vote in our poll and help The Tab dish out the dubious honour of Worst Night Out in Brum!

STUPID TUESDAY

A favourite among Freshers. Friends are made and fun is had but, for many, ST is the start of an awful relationship in which they are repeatedly dragged back to for the nostalgia.

Stupid Tuesday lost its former home, Bliss, earlier this year after the club closed, causing the Stig to tramp around from random venue to venue. Has Stupid Tuesday lost more than its home?

MECHU

Stereotypical things people assume Mechu attendees say:

• “My idols in life are Chris Brown and Spencer Matthews.”
• “Money is, like, honestly – like, serious now – and I’m not being shallow – but it’s really fucking important to me in a potential lover.”
• “Lock up your daughters. We’re on the Blurred Lines hype tonight.”
• “Things I love: Kardashians, cocaine and perfume made of Euros.”

POPWORLD

People cite the roflcoptoring cringegiggles lolbantz as reasons to go here. People say they genuinely enjoy the school disco music and the crowd as diverse in age as the cast of Emmerdale.

From another perspective, they’re screeching Steps and 5ive, and bumping uglies with second-marriage hen parties in a way that is genuinely quite unseemly. The girl in this photo surely infiltrated Popworld to make an appeal to the crowd’s ironic sensibilities.

RISA

I imagine this girl is pointing towards the exit. Look at her face. This tells you how much fun nights such as Jaegerbull and Vodbull are.

What more is there to say…?

SNOBS

“Come on guys, it plays all the music from our youth. We’re recapturing the good old days, and listening to a couple of cool new indie tracks at the same time. Plus, it’s really cheap!”

This is a classic justification for visiting this sticky dive. It’s cheap, yes, but we’re in the Midlands and everything’s cheap. Everyone gets too drunk, only the really old-school music is good, the bouncers are useless, the spirits taste like crayola and there’s constant Students vs. Locals tension.

SUCH FUN.

FAB

It’s indoctrinated in students from the start of their time at university that, if you don’t enjoy Fab in 1st year, you’ll love it in 2nd year. You don’t like it in 2nd year? Don’t worry, by 3rd year you’ll be on board. You’re not on board in 3rd year? You’re probably just trying to be cool. This is far from the truth.

Some people say they just don’t like nights at the Guild because… the Guild is a fairly awful venue for nights out, the music is bad and the crowd is worse. Look at the Uber-Ladz as an example.

THE RAINBOW WAREHOUSE

People often (try to) reinvent themselves at university. There’s always a lot of chatter about how the legendary venue, Rainbow Warehouse, is a starting-off point for a lot of our students here in Birmingham.

The club itself had a face lift recently, but grotty doesn’t quite convey exactly how bad it used to look. Depending on who you are, the music is painful and the people are grim, bug-eyed, not-people-at-all people.

Disco pants! Bottled water! Bandeaus! Nike Airs! “Contact lenses”!

(Disclaimer: not necessarily my personal opinion of every club. Don’t hate.)